January 02, 2005
auld lang syne. and a hangover


Was waaay too hungover to post yesterday. However, it was International Hangover Day, so I figure I'm allowed *grin*.

First up, HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!! *sings, dances and lines blogroll up for snogs*

B) What do you think of my Shag-worthy summer skin? It's suummmmah Down Unnnnddaahhh, baby! This skin was a present from the gorgeously wonderful Cherry back in September. I've been waiting FOREVER to unveil it cos frankly, her work rocks. I was so flattered when she did this up as a surprise. Love your work honey!

And three, New Years Eve was 35 plus degrees celcius, and BLOODY BRILLIANT. Oh yeah, baby. Read on for chocolate n snogs galore, and throwing another shrimp on the brand new Barbie...


posted by goldie @ 10:21 AM : comments(70) : view
December 26, 2004
disaster averted by Xmas elves: goldie tells all

Ahhh... I didn't go with the DQ moniker for nothing, as many of you will know ;).

As it so often is with these things, Xmas didn't turn out as bad as I expected it to. I just found it so odd to be experiencing such strong, uncontrollable emotion after so many months of being unflappable.

You see, I am one of these people that anti-depressants/anti-anxiety meds work really well for. I'm on the lowest dose of a really good drug (Cipramil, made with citalopram if you're interested), and within 2 weeks of starting them in April I was mood-swing-and-panic-attack-free. Which was particularly brilliant throughout my poor sister's cancer issues. In fact, I felt like a normal person again. It had been quite some time.

I am also virtually side-effectless. About the worst thing I deal with is grinding my teeth and mild headaches. I was afraid I would feel that whole 'disconnectedness' from reality that many people talk about, but nope. Still here, still experiencing and enjoying reality (although my friends will still attest to my insanity, which I hope never to lose).

And as for sexuality (and you don't have to read this part if you don't want to know: stick your fingers in your ears and hum)... well. Libido = maybe 5-10% diminished (ie, barely anything) while orgasm intensity = skyrocketed through the roof. The fucking roof, I tells you!

There's always a silver lining to every perceived cloud.

So anyways, once I got over my lil tantrum yesterday and found some lettuce and a bloody chicken, the picnic in the park wasn't so bad. Quite relaxing really, in perfect 27 degree celcius weather. There were heaps of other families there too - I had no idea so many converged on Botanic Park to celebrate every year. We were lucky we got there at 11, or all the tree-space would have been taken.

So I hope your Xmas/Hunukah/Festivus activities were tantrum-free and filled with much fattening food and fine alcamahol. And, above all, love of those people without whom life wouldn't be complete.

Thanks from the absolute bottom of my heart to those who have been there for me this year. Every single comment, every single email, every single expression of sympathy, empathy, annoyance, advice, love, laughter and tears has moved and comforted me beyond belief, no matter if I was on the giving or receiving end.

Thanks for being a part of my family. Merry Christmas all!

Love goldie xox

posted by goldie @ 09:54 AM : comments(10) : view
December 25, 2004
farkin' humbugs

Venting post ahead. Please do not read if you actually enjoy xmas.

Here we go...


posted by goldie @ 10:01 AM : comments(5) : view
December 21, 2004
movement at the station

Whew. In between Xmas activities (ranging from corporate to downright intoxicated in nature), new job, RedBug needing to be 'put down' (as it were), and then consequently having to buy my first ever new (to me) Big Expensive Sporty Car on the weekend... *breathes*... I managed to get all my Xmas cards written and sent. Woohoo!

*does a happy dance*

I really do hope the overseas ones make it there by Friday, but if not, merry new year to all.

Oh. And the car? A silver 2001 Mitsubishi Magna Executive Sports. Or something. I don't care. It has aircon and it's big and it's 3.5L and it has funky round taillights and we can take it on loooonnnngggg trips and damn, it feels like we're sposed to be taking it back to the hire car company.

I mean, I have a car loan now. And that whole manager thing... Does this mean I have to grow up???

posted by goldie @ 06:45 AM : comments(14) : view
December 14, 2004
work it baby

I've been a Manager for a week now. It's taking a while to adjust.

I mean the first thing I did, of course, was think back to all the managers I haven't liked or didn't work well with. Sadly, they slightly outnumbered those on the positive side. And it's not like I'm grotesquely detestable in the workplace or anything.

This makes me rather nervous.


posted by goldie @ 06:31 AM : comments(10) : view
December 06, 2004
xmas on the beach

I love it that I can go to an Xmas lunch and come back sunburnt.

"I love a sunburnt country
A land of sweeping plains
Of ragged mountain ranges
Of droughts and flooding rains."
[/snippet of famous poem 'bout my fabulous country]

Course, we seem to have the 'flooding rains' bit happening here today. Which is grand cos I thrive on variety. Also, I dont have to water the chillis. Bonus!

posted by goldie @ 07:20 AM : comments(7) : view
December 02, 2004
...my name? erm...

Right. Yanno Mercury, that planet that rules the communication and mental abilities? Well, he's on his third retrograde period for the year right now. Right up until Dec 20.

Expect road rage, mixed messages, arguments with partners, broken photocopiers, internet issues, fist fights with other christmas shoppers, and to feel basically like an eejit for the next while. Especially if you happen to be a Gemini (like me) or a Virgo, as Mercury is their ruling planet.

Oh joy. What a fabulous day to have a job interview.

Nah, it's not all bad. They've advertised to fill the job I'm currently doing on a permanent basis, and I know they think I'm OK *yay*. But I have written out a cheat-sheet, just in case... :D

posted by goldie @ 06:11 AM : comments(6) : view
November 30, 2004
candy cane anyone?

OK, OK, I know. I've been a little flakey lately.

Not to mention a bit of a cock-tease. What with the flirty comments I whispered to you in my last entry, only to abandon you, breath baited, pupils dilated, obsessively hitting refresh... just waiting to read what I'd write next...

Hey, a girl can dream, can't she? ;)

In all seriousness, I do deserve a spanking. Does it help if I say I'm sitting here in sopping wet cotton lycra, just waiting to peel off the sodden layers... (hey. It was raining after Pilates, OK)? No?

Well how about my cheeky new holiday layout, courtesy of the Moxielicious Julie? (if you can't see it, click here. I promise it'll leave a lasting impression). C'mon! That must make up for something...

Oh. OK. Fair enough. I understand. I guess all a girl can do is bribe, kiss ass and generally suck up big time work extra hard to regain your trust. Suggestions welcome!!!

posted by goldie @ 08:57 PM : comments(10) : view
November 12, 2004
*sheepish grin*

OMG quick post cos I'm late, yet feeling rather guilty and sad about my lack of postage lately...

1) My new job ro0x0rs my bo0x0rs. Oh yeah baby. My team mate and my bpss are great. The work is real. And they have no standards for comms/design, let alone picky people with mnothing better to do, so we get to make it all up from scratch. Woohoo!

2) The new wardrobe is going down a treat *grin*

3) Although I had a very Bridget Jonesian moment the other night at a networking do.
Me (to fabulously funky copywriter): sooo... you must hate coming to these things sometimes and having to chat with erm... people you don't know, right?

(dies of embarrasment ... and that was mild. I think I blocked out thge more excrutiating stuff I said to him)

4) They've advertised my role for permanent filling, and the application is due today, hence my spending time on this puter doing other things. Fingers crossed...

5) Is it friggin' Friday already? I'd forgotten what it was like to be so happy at work that you don't notice the days slipping away. Really. I've been like a happy nutty bouncy extrovertedly giggly thing the whole fortnight. I think I'm still adjusting to this whole 'new me' thing I've got going on.

Argh. Gotta run!

posted by goldie @ 07:37 AM : comments(8) : view
November 03, 2004
i'll be back. erm... soon.

Aheh. Can't blog, busy. I'll return to the land of the living blogging this evening.


posted by goldie @ 07:01 AM : comments(14) : view
October 25, 2004
the wheel keeps on turning

Last week, things happen very quickly after I resigned. Wednesday afternoon saw my supervisor beckoning me into a spare office (inspiring the usual guilty, fearful flutter in my belly) only to offer me a quick exit if I so wanted.

"Well you're leaving to go contracting, there's not much work on here, so if you can get everything flat by Friday, you can go if you'd like to. What do you think?"

And that, as they say, was that.

Thursday was a frenzy of getting my final Newsletter written and edited for the designers, and Friday consisted of some quick edits, a few questions, an interview at my second recruitment agency, and gutting out my pigsty of a desk. Let's not even mention the disorganised jumble that was (and still is) 'My Documents'.

Oh. And I called my other recruitment agency to let them know I was finishing a week early. Here's how that call went:

goldie: Hi, I'm calling for Samantha to let her know I'm done with this place early.
Receptionist: Oh good! Let me just see if there's anything in the system for you already.
goldie: *impressed*
Receptionist: Ah... Rachel actually has a 3 month government contract as a Communications Manager that is likely to go ahead.
goldie: *indraws breath at the mention of that currently dirtyword 'government'*
Rachel: Hi. They'd love you. It's a career move. They're paying $6-8 more an hour than your previous salary, so no 3-steps-backwards money-wise. Oh. And did I mention it's in IT contracting for whole-of-government? I reckon you'd have a ball.
goldie: *considers* well, maybe it doesn't sound tooo bad...
Rachel: Great. I'll call you.

So I was a little overwhelmed. I almost feel Maine-like*. I mean, I'd kinda gotten used to the whole Internode idea. But hey. I'm spontaneous.

Later Friday afternoon...

Rachel: OK, they did love you, just like I said. They wanted you in for an interview with senior management at 9am Monday morning, but I convinced them you'd want a sleep in on your first day of holidays.
goldie: *radiates with love for this particular recruitment agency*
Rachel: so I told them you'd be in at 11. You're a shoe-in.

Wish me luck!!!!


posted by goldie @ 09:28 AM : comments(12) : view
October 21, 2004
it's all (mostly) good

In the last 2 days I've had 3 large Strawberry Squeeze Boost Juice smoothies, a bowl of chicken soup, 20% of a plate of pud thai (bloody peanuts!), and a soggy baguette. My mouth feels like I haven't had vitamins in a month (or like I've been partying at a rave all night ;), but other than that it's not too bad. Especially when the nice young man with many funky piercings at Boost looked twice at me yesterday morning and said 'what a lovely smile!'. Heh.

My new recruitment agent, Samantha, didn't really notice them either. I think I might be falling in love with her already.

I got excellent results on Word, Excel and typing (53 wpm ain't bad for someone who types with 3 fingers), so that combined with the ridiculous amount of academic paraphenalia I have apparently makes me rather marketable. So much so, that she said she'd like to 'exclusively represent me' in the marketplace. *faints* Funny that, seeing as it's never worked for me before. I should have done this ages ago.

The real fun stuff happened when she said she knows the HR manager at Internode, an Adelaide start-up ISP who have expanded like all hell recently to cover the whole nation. Apparently I'd be perfect as a Sales Manager there, but she just gave out two similar positions last week.

"But never fear," she said, "I'm having lunch with my friend on Friday and I'm going to convince her that Internode needs you. They can't miss out on you now!"

HELLO Samantha. Will you marry me (in a platonic, I'm-already-married kinda way)?

posted by goldie @ 08:15 AM : comments(6) : view
October 18, 2004
i'm free to do what i want any old time

Well I did it. I resigned! *giggles*

It was all very routine. I wrote a few lines on a piece of paper, printed it, signed it, and gave it to my boss with a smile. Who knew it could be so easy? Who knew it would feel so surreal.

A few people who know how I've been feeling were asking me if I felt better, if a weight had been lifted from my shoulders as soon as I gave away that fateful piece of paper.

And the answer is no... not exactly. Cos that weight actually lifted on Friday, as soon as I realised I had options. Once that was confirmed, I knew I didn't have any more excuses to stay. No wonder my heart was singing :D. Now I'm so happy it's taking requests.

Oh yeah, I forgot to say what I'm actually going to do. I made the conscious decision to go temping/contracting for a while, so I can finally get some private sector experience after 5 years of Goverment whoring. I desperately want to work in PR/Media/Marketing in either an agency or a big corporate, but there was no way they were going to look at me with only gov experience under my belt. So off I go, on to new adventures.

Oh, and the girls at work did suck :D. Icing on the cake really.

Side note: that happiness better come with Long Lasting 48 Hour Relief. Tomorrow is B-is-for-braces-Day, and I'm going to need every ounce of good humour to stop me from acting the wounded bear tomorrow night. Someone save my longsuffering!husband, please?!

posted by goldie @ 11:43 PM : comments(19) : view
the darkest hour is just before dawn...

...and so I deliberately got up at 5 to see the sunrise.

Mmm. Spring! I love this week before Daylight Savings takes our bodyclocks an hour into the future. By 5.45 am, it's so bright outside the birds have stopped their morning song and wandered off to find food before harassing their mate for a shag. Romantic, eh?

saggitarius.jpgGeneral daily overview: The Moon in Sagittarius requires us to envision not just what is in our immediate environment, but the whole picture. We need to stretch our minds as far as we can in order to make the most of this phase. And we are given impetus as mental Mercury forms an easy trine aspect with eccentric Uranus, turning our most stable ideas into fast-changing quicksilver. There's an electrical charge in the air as these two mental planets work together to create a superconductive atmosphere where intellectual sparks fly and original thoughts are easily expressed.
The time seems right for a change of season.

I'm handing in my Two Weeks Notice today. Wish me luck.

posted by goldie @ 05:35 AM : comments(10) : view
October 16, 2004
open up your heart and let the sun shine in

....can you hear that?

It's my heart singing. :D

Truly. I've had a marvelously wonderful day. Since this chick encouraged me to have a few days off to rest and recuperate, not to mention collect my thoughts, I've been feeling steadily better than I have in a long time.

The fact that CY finished her radiation treatment yesterday after 6 weeks of week-daily appointments is no small part of my relief either. I can't believe it. Four months on and it's over. She still needs regular check ups of course, but I dunno... there's a part of me somewhere inside that knows this is it. This is the end.

It's the end of a difficult time for many of us, not just myself and my family. I've talked to quite a few friends lately who've said this year has been one of the hardest they've ever experienced. But dammit, we've come out on top. A little bruised and a lot worse for wear maybe, but far more certain about what we want in life, and how best to get it. How to whittle away the shrapnel until only our truest, most heartfelt purpose is left.

I've dealt with loss. I've looked my sister's death in the face. And I looked my own humanity and frailty in the face and finally accepted it as part of who I am.

I can truly say I've learnt more in these last 12 months than I ever have in the last 12 years. The tenacity and unconditional love of my family. How precious my sisters and mother are to me. How incredibly hard my husband works... and works... and works. Who my real friends are (and I grieved the loss of more than just one or two). That fear of a thing is sometimes doubly worse than the thing itself. How I can keep on redefining the boundaries. And how my breaking point can keep on getting stretched and stretched and stretched, but that I'll never let it snap in two, even when it seems there's no other way to let the hurt burst free from my body.

They say that evolution only happens through pain and suffering. Well by bloody God, I've evolved this year, as I'm sure many of you have too. And now... now it's finally time to see some reward for all that effort, all that pain, all that testing and building of my character (which should have a nice pair of biceps on it now thanks).

Course I dunno what the reward is yet (freedom, relief and contentment work for me, thanks), but I can feel it. It's coming. I'll let you know when I find out.

posted by goldie @ 04:24 AM : comments(8) : view
October 14, 2004
goldie reloaded

I went in to work this morning to finish some stuff off before I spend a few days at home recovering, and I'm so glad I did: my new phone came in a day early!

Never mind that it's taken over 12 hours for my number to port over to my new sim... it's been worth it to hold that sleek, stylish, gorgeous gadget in my grateful hands once again. *shivers*

In other news, there was no Judgement Day today. I know, I know, how boring. No biblical rain of fire. No souls being carted off screeching on their way to hell. No Governator pointing a flame thrower at Cyberdine Systems croaking 'Hasta la vista. Baby' in that robot-like accent (although I do admit, that would have been kinda cool).

Nope. I have a few nice, quiet, non-dramatic days ahead of me now to rest and recuperate. Yep. I really did say non-dramatic. 100% Drama-Free™. I'm not even going to watch daytime television.

Lord. I may even actually relax :D.

posted by goldie @ 12:17 AM : comments(3) : view
October 12, 2004
two more days... two more days... *mutters to self*

So. My brand, spankin' new phone arrives on Thursday *woot*. 'Course I had to order it direct from Three cos my old one had been stolen. They apparently have a policy about that. Weird.

I've been so communication-starved and in withdrawal-like shakes that I didn't care in the end... maybe that's their evil plan? Wait til their customers are so txt-deprived and desperate that they can't stand it any longer and give in to their evil plans of phone domination with barely a whimper?!? *mwuhahahaha*?? Aheh.

But anyways, the next model up from my old one was exactly the same price, so at least I'm upgrading.

*steal's hubby's phone for a quick txt-fix*

posted by goldie @ 12:54 PM : comments(8) : view
October 06, 2004
for everything else there's mastercard

I'm feeling a little quiet the last few days. I found out today that it's going to cost me either $342 for a refurbished handset, or $464 for a new one to replace the most prized and worshipped phone that complete wanker stole from me. I don't have much choice either - our contents insurance has said they won't cover it because I was away from the house when it was stolen, and I'm still contracted to Three, so I'd have to pay out all 22 months left on my contract if I wanted to port my number elsewhere and get a cheaper phone. Which obviously wouldn't be worth it.


In other news, busy!hubby and I are just exhausted, even though I have no real right to be. busy!hubby spent his whole 3-day weekend painting a mural (6 meters x 3 meters, ie, HUGE), and he timelapse-photographed the whole thing in 1 minute intervals, meaning I have been without camera to finish taking pics.

He also got a gig taking photos at a huge dance party Sunday night. Which ended up costing me $45 to get in (they only comped him, not me), $5 for one Lime and Soda Ruski, and $342 minimum for a new phone.

And finding the asswipe who stole it and plucking out their nose and toe hairs one by one til there were none left? Well. That would be priceless.

posted by goldie @ 07:08 PM : comments(15) : view
October 04, 2004
bring it, murphy

Yeah, I know I'm kvetching again, but this time I have something to kvetch about.

No, really.

After listing it as one of my most treasured possessions on Thursday, my beautiful, gadgety, downright indispensible 10-week-old mobile phone was stolen out from under my nose at a nightclub last night.

Words cannot explain how much this pisses me off right now. I do have insurance, but why should I have to go through that fucking hassle just because some dickwad helped him-or-herself to my hardearned goods? And what about the irreplaceable stuff? All those contacts. All those pictures. All those messages, especially ones of love and support from friends, family, sisters and husband, sent right when I needed them most. Those memories... those reminders... gone forever.

May karma visit upon that creep with infected genital herpes and humiliatingly bad sex for the rest of their shallow little life. Fucktard.

posted by goldie @ 07:51 PM : comments(11) : view
October 03, 2004
she'll be right, mate

I was having a lovely day. It's beautiful outside, I've been emailing with this chick, that chick, another chick, oh and these blokes, I'm wearing a beautiful brand new floaty pink skirt (assymetrical, cotton and cut on the bias), and I had the Breakfast of Champions (read: tea and half a block of Cadbury Breakaway).

Then. THEN. During the course of some emailings, I was reminded of my aborted attempt to sign up for audblog a couple of weeks ago. I mean, it'd be so cool to actually chat with you guys in an Aussie accent, specially since they're offering a free trial.

But because of my previous attempt, it seems to think I'm already a member when I didn't even provide a PIN last time... and it's fucking me riiiight off.

Blasted bloody mongrel drongo piece of technology (and believe me... that sounds so much better in my Steve Irwin/Muriel's Wedding accent). Way to ruin my Sunday!

posted by goldie @ 02:04 PM : comments(7) : view
September 29, 2004
my alarm clock is fired

So I had an nice early night last night, thinking I'd be up bright and early this morning and off to work on foot.


Remember that first scene from Four Weddings and a Funeral?


posted by goldie @ 09:15 AM : comments(4) : view
September 24, 2004
bitch 'n' moan

I thought anti-biotics (particularly those of the horse-sized penicillin variety) were sposed to make you... you know... GET BETTER?

Well I'm on my second prescription of those fuckers and about the only reaction my body's giving me is a sore set of intestines as the HSP's eat away all the good bacteria in my body, while letting the bad stuff run rampant.

In fact, I think the bad stuff is having a party in the sinuses near my eye sockets right now, and has been for a couple of days. Not even codeine is inhibiting the pain those flithy little bastards are projecting throughout my entire head. Hell, I even have panadeine plus (that's 15 mg of codeine per tablet baby) and it's not doing a goddamn thing.

On top of all that, I'm due at the dentist for 2 fillings at 9am this morning.

Welcome to my world.

posted by goldie @ 08:21 AM : comments(14) : view
September 20, 2004
did anyone order lobster thermidor??

Anyone? ...Bueller? Because I seem to have gotten just a wee bit excited about our 22 degree C weather yesterday and overdosed on the ole sunshine. Hmmm. Yes.

It was worth it though. Several of my friends gave the annual City to Bay Fun Run a go in the morning, and although I piked cos I've been sick last week (that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it), I joined them to celebrate my friend Tanya's (of the now-retired Tanya's Harp fame) birthday on the beach. Yum!

However due to the fact that a) on Saturday during my retail therapy session, I had procured the very same blue babydoll top as seen on the mannequin in this shot, and b) the ambient temperature outside was just about at 'strip off n get sexy' level... well, I had no choice but to expose some flesh of the shoulder and decolletage variety. I mean, come on!

Ergo, I am now suffering for my overindulgence. But it's allll good. Between Port Power winning their semi-final (Aussie Rules footy, dontcha know. It has just about religious status here) and today's 26 degree effort from the weather gods, everyone was in a good mood at work today. So I wasn't going to let a little sunburn piss me off. =D

posted by goldie @ 06:52 PM : comments(2) : view
September 15, 2004
one day at a time

You know, if you keep your eyes peeled, you can learn at least one new thing each and every day.

Today I took advantage of my sick day off work to take my sister CY to her radiotherapy treatment, and I was lucky enough to learn several new things:


posted by goldie @ 10:57 PM : comments(6) : view
September 13, 2004
I know you wanna snog me...

I'm officially sick. Isn't that great?

No, really. I mean it. It's fantastic. You see, I've been feeling like shit for weeks. Kinda fluey, swollen in the neck, and my sinuses have been giving me hell. Plus my ears felt funny. No, I can't describe it any better than that. Believe me, I tried.

But none of it was enough to go bother the doctor with. Hey, we all feel fluey at times. It's probably hayfever (common as sheep among us Aussies). Nothing to make a fuss about.

Then the Disturbing Symptom developed. You know what I mean. Waves of nausea are never a good thing.

So off I trotted to the doc, where I was given the uber-satisfying diagnosis of Nasty Ear Infection. One worth two prescriptions of double strength, horse-pill-sized penicillin tablets. One where I can actually say to any doubters, "Look! I wasn't whining about nothing for the past few weeks! Look at my horse pills. Look how big and anti-bacterial they are!"

I feel so damn justified right now =D.

posted by goldie @ 11:52 PM : comments(12) : view
September 10, 2004
did someone say relax and take it easy?

Ahhh... nothing like a free day off. A day where I can do absolutely anything I want. A day in which I can be a completely lazy-assed bitch and absolutely no one will care.

Surf blogs all day? Yep! Tweak my new templates so they're just right? Yep! Sit round in my fluffy duck dressing gown til 4pm, drinking cup after cup of strong tea? You betcha baby!


posted by goldie @ 11:29 AM : comments(4) : view
September 06, 2004
*breathes a nice, deep cleansing breath*

Wow. Thanks to everyone for all your comments on my last post. I just got through responding to them all (in brief, cos I have to go to work) and realised just how dramatic everything sounded when it was laid out like that. Funny that.

It's not like there haven't been good times. And it's not like I haven't been at least partially responsible for a lot of the bad ones. I firmly believe we make our own choices and lay in our own beds once we've made them. Hospital corners or no.

Which is probably why I have an anxiety disorder. But anyways...

I know I could have coped with any one or two of those situations on their own. It was just when they all came stampeding along, one after the other - BANG BANG BANG - that I started to implode. And that's why I withdrew for a bit. Simple as that.

The main thing I wanted to express was that, as I said in my comment responses, I hope you all understand how much it truly means to me to be welcomed back with open arms like this. How much it buoys me up and gives me joy, to both hear your thoughts and advice on my issues, and your open acceptance of the same from me.

What an incredibly wonderful, compassionate, generous and talented group of people I know online.

Bah! Now I might cry ;).

posted by goldie @ 08:46 AM : comments(4) : view
September 04, 2004
hey kiddies... part deuce

Hello, hello. It's been a funny ole Saturday already. I was up at 5.30 and rather flushed to find screen shots of my new skins from the delectable Cherry in my inbox. I am sooo excited, you have no idea. OK, maybe you do. It's the little things giving me pleasure right now :).

Since then I've been pottering around with sexy!husband. We were going to plant our herbs today cos the moon's in just the right phase, but neither of us could be effed to even drive to Bunnings for seedlings, let alone get our hands dirty. In fact I was so tuckered out I fell asleep on the lounge floor. Ergo, I have no birthday presents for dear Mark and Amy tonight. Bugger and blasterooney.

So let's see. Last post I'd made it to June. But I just realised I'd skipped a couple of things critical to how I was feeling...

Firstly, to answer Lisa's question on how they found my URL, it was all due to my own stupidity. I gave it to 5 friends at work, who gave it to five friends, etc. With so many people logging on to look at it each day, it's no wonder it flagged in their regular analyses of non-work-related sites. And fair enough too. Yet they only knew it was me cos I was stupidly vain enough to put my pic up. Heh.

SO! Basically, once they'd taken my internet away (like they were punishing a school kid) and told me I had no career there anymore, I came off my hobby horse in a biiig way. And funnily enough, before that I was feeling the best I had in ages... I was enjoying my blog, my job, my friends... everything was going awesomely well. The cynics among you might say that the time was just ripe then for something to go wrong. Those the highest up have the farthest to fall. And fall I did. It might have run off someone else's back, but that punishment hit me at my very core.

I was going to work in a haze during that time. And between wanting to blog, yet not wanting to in case they read it, doing all my surfing at home and therefore coming in late, and feeling that there really was no point me being at work anyway if the executive managers didn't like me and I had no career... well. You can start to see why I was apathetic about getting out of bed on time.

No wonder I got myself into trouble. Hindsight is 20/20.

Still, I was starting to come good when in late April, a series of misunderstandings lead to me being frozen out by my work friends, who I was quite close with. It happened little by little. One minute we were all planning nights out and shopping every lunch time, and next minute one particular girl had decided I was on the blacklist and suddenly they were always 'too busy' for lunch, or doing something else on the weekend. Unfortunately the rest of 'em followed suit and stopped talking to me so much too.

It didn't help that one of the other girls was in my team. And because I felt so hurt and betrayed I only made half-hearted attempts at trying to reconcile it with her. Hey, they'd ousted me. What was I sposed to do? Beg? When the whole group had rejected me? Especially since none of us had ever really talked about it... no one had ever said to me 'right, you're out.' I never got closure. I think I was just sposed to get the hint. Some might ask why I let it bother me so much, but you spend more time with your workmates than you do your real friends when you think about it. (I now think it had something to do with me being in trouble at work... brushes and tar and all).

Then when I got the news in June about my sister, it was the girl in my team who's office I ran to, an hysterical mess, because we'd been so close before. This sort of thing should bridge friendship, right?

But she wasn't there. I eventually bumped into them out in the hallway, having all come back from coffee together, and I fell into a mess on the carpet, realising the extent of their rejection at the same time as the absoloutely shock of my sister's out-of-the-blue diagnosis.

It was worse the next week. I could barely sit at my desk. On the tuesday it was my birthday, and they gave me a card, a chocolate and a magazine as a group (nothing like the presents and hand-designed cards we've always done for a each other), said happy birthday, endured an awkward silence and went back to their desks. Not one word about my sister or how I was. It finally came to a head when none of them turned up for my birthday drinks on the Friday night. I don't know why I even deluded myself by inviting them. But they finally made it very clear why they weren't there when I texted them to ask.

The following week, right before CY's operation, my boss decided I needed performance counselling again (as I mentioned at the end of the last post). All of my peers had lost respect for my ability to do my job, and all my friends had bailed out. Can you see why I was feeling so bitter about going to work?

About this time I went into coping mode I think. Anything that had been 'causing trouble' in my life had to go, along with anything that made me think too much. My brain was having enough trouble coping with so much change and hurt and shock that I think it just shut down.

Ergo, the ole DQ fell by the wayside. Even though you guys had always accepted me for who I was, and sent monumental messages of support from around the globe. Even though I had been so happy being here with you. There was so much dissonance in my head around blogging... memories of some of the very best and very worst experiences all fighting for precedence, that I needed to reject it for a while. So I could sort everything else out. So I could heal. So I could help my family heal.

I spent most of my spare time in July in front of the heater on the beanbag, reading Bridget Jones' Diary 1 and 2, and then Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix for the third time. Comfort food for the soul.

It was damn good actually.

I coped by focusing on all the good stuff in my life. I have a fabulous group of friends outside work. CY seemed to be on the mend. We threw a fabulous bash for sexy!husband's 30th at the end of July, which was also damn good (70 people, a DJ friend of G's and a shitload of alcohol. Awesome.). And he took me away for a surprise holiday to Melbourne for our 2 year wedding anniversary on the 10th of August. Fabulous.

Somewhere in there the ISP ate our database, which is why I can't post at my old site, and neither can you post comments. It was hard enough to recover all my archives, let alone get the database up and running again.

Maybe the universe was trying to tell me I shouldn't've been so stubborn back in February about moving to new digs.

Anyway, we came back from Melbourne on the 10th of August, and on the 11th we found out that CY's tumour was malignant. *exhale*

Two days after that, my bosses had decided I wasn't improving at work (would you be, with so much apathy, depression and other stuff to deal with? Not to mention bitchy girls refusing to even look at you in the hallway?) and decided that it was high time they gave me a written formal warning. That meant (and still means) that if I fuck up, they can fire me at a moment's notice.


Believe me, I'm sitting her wondering if this post is a good idea. I have no idea if they know about this site yet. I'm hoping not. I've looked at it once from work, but only once, and told no one about it. Who knows. I'm almost past caring.

So yeah. There you go. The last 8 months seems to have been all about the universe teaching me and mine a lesson we won't forget in a hurry. I've had my victim moments, and my moments of complete and utter optimism and strength.

In my 'weaker' moments (mainly in the last 3 weeks) I've contemplated cutting myself to let the hurt out. To watch it all bleed away, slowly... cos it's the only outlet I can see for release, even though I've NEVER done anything like that before. I've cried my heart out hysterically in the toilets at work more than once, asking why my family, why me, and thought about going back to my desk, printing out a lovely long and detailed suicide note (mentioning the bitchy girls and my boss in particular), and slitting my wrists in the toilets. Just so they could come find me.

Sometimes I really earn the title of this blog, eh?

But I'm strong enough and experienced enough to know that the feelings pass eventually. Those who suffer from depression know about 'the hole', and if you wait long enough, you can eventually climb back out. I'm lucky I have such an understanding and caring husband, let alone my family and friends. But lucky him gets to see the bulk of it.

Aa a status update on the work sitch, I have my final meeting next week to resolve the formal warning. My boss has indicated to me that she thinks everything's fine and there should be no probs with the warning being lifted. I realise I've made her sound like a dragon, but I guess in her situation I would have wondered what to do myself. She has a business to run. We're actually on very good terms, quite friendly really. But it was my mum (a manager herself)who gave me the best piece of advice on how to eventually resolve it all: "unplug yourself from what you see as the unfairness of the whole situation, stop seeing your boss as the enemy and start thinking of her as your best ally. Only she has the power to help you through this. That way you both win." And, like most times, my mum was right. I was just so caught up in my emotions that I couldn't see it before.

I realise that I got myself into a lot of this mess, and I take full responsibility for my actions. Even when I'm feeling like a victim, it's because I'm cursing myself for being so stoopid ;). But i can't think about the maybes and what-ifs. I'll drive myself even more insane if I do.

And as for dear CY... well, this post is as much as we know. She's in radiotherapy 5 days a week, for 6 weeks. We can only hope the side effects will be minimal and that the malignant crap will be excised from her head completely. And hopefully (metaphorically speaking) from mine too.

So. It's officially 'new start' time. A new chapter in my life... New blog, new group (thanks so much for taking me on, Pixy and the MuNuvians! You guys ROCK!) and soon a new design.

It's all downhill from here.

posted by goldie @ 06:22 PM : comments(18) : view
September 03, 2004

I totally forgot how many of you there are. Thanks for being so wonderful with your comments on the last post - I've read them all and appreciated them wholeheartedly in between (slowly but surely) visiting everyone on my blogrolls, and surfing for pics for my new layout. Actually, I've found a couple of gorgeous images, after surfing 9 sites and probably over 250 pics. Thanks to Cherry for being so gawddamn patient with me sending her multitudes of jpgs as a form of talking to myself about which one I wanted.

Oh yes, I forgot to mention - Web Divas (also staffed by the bitchalicious rachel) are doing some fab design work for me (along with blogmoxie). What a bunch of talented chicks I know...

It's been a funny ole day. Our dear lil cat Josie had what one might call a mild dose of the trots last night, resulting in some lovely skid marks all over our slate and carpets and a wonderful perfume pervading the entire house. Charming.

And today was also my sister's first day of radiotherapy treatment for her tumour. I went along for moral support as did my other sister Lauren, and my mum of course. Things haven't been all easy with this. We found out last week that the radiotherapy may not be side-effect-free when administered to the brain area, as it may be on other parts of the body. CY may be in for anything from blindness to losing her ability to have children. Not to mention losing some intelligence. And any hair loss may either be permanent, or grow back completely different from what it is now. IE, one woman had brown wavy hair and ended up with jet black straight hair. Spooky n weird.

I also saw her CT scans for the first time ever today. I have deliberately avoided them cos I've always been queasy of inside-body parts, but she made me look. That bloody tumour took up almost a quarter of her brain area in it's thickest part before they took it out in une (thank god they got it all). I could see where her cerebrum had been squashed over by it. Fuck me.

The main problem is with CY thinking she's going to be an utter freak, and that no one in the future will want to be her friend, let alone love her romantically. That coupled with some lil issues around 'control' and 'independence' between her, Lauren and my Mum isn't making things easy (and believe me, I'm caught in the middle cos I can see both sides of the story... not that my mum has really done anything wrong in my eyes. Seriously ill people have so many things to deal with, and losing their independence is certainly one of them for my dear sis). But she coped amazingly well considering. My Dad has also come for a visit from Hong Kong. Which is surreal. I haven't seen him for ages, you see.

Having Aunty Flow (painters and decorators) round to visit this morning hasn't helped either *sigh*.

So now that I've been so focused on my new design and a whole heap o' other 'day-to-day' stuff, it's suddenly got to 11.30 and I won't be continuing my story from yesterday just yet. Thanks again to all for your encouraging words and thoughts. They mean the absolute world to me!

posted by goldie @ 12:46 AM : comments(10) : view
September 01, 2004
hey kiddies, learn a lesson from grandma goldie mkay?

Heh, I think a couple of people got the wrong end of the stick with my last entry... I meant I was going to spring-clean my blogroll of course. Although I'm not sure I did too much actual cleaning. Cos that's a dirty word an' all.

(Note: I apologise for the severe lack of extended-entryness. I hate it when they're not 'collaspsible' and take you to another page, and I can't be bothered installing a script tonight. Yes, I am anal about my blog - if I can't do it right I just won't bother. Oh, and apologies to those who've heard all or part of my melodramatic hooey already *kiss kiss*)

So. Now I'm sitting here, with a minor codeine-withdrawal headache, wondering exactly where to start.

Do I start with our ISP woes? (I mean, what kind of ISP gives their clients 36 hours notice via email to back up all their files or they're screwed? It's not like they didn't have enough space on their porn other servers to back up some small personal sites. But then THAT would constitute actual customer service, which I'm sure they'd never want to be accused of /rant)

Do I start with why I finally stopped writing a couple of months back, after months of negative reinforcement?

Do I start with my sister's tumour actually being diagnosed as malignant 3 weeks ago, after we were told it was very likely benign?

Oooooh... the DRAMA!

You know what? I'm so bloody tired I can't even make up a silly story in an attempt to make you laugh. Instead, I'll give it to you straight:

Back in February (yes, it goes back that far), I was severely disciplined at work for certain entries I wrote on my blog about how 'things' were 'done' there. They took my internet away as a punishment for three months, even though it severly hampered my ability to do my job and even though I'd never made a post from there (not since i was on blogspot anyways). I was also told I had no career there amd that i was lucky not to be going to court. Even though i never used any names. Even though I was only venting my feelings, not stating anything as fact.

I was given an offical warning straight up. Which I prolly should have seen coming. But anyway. And I prolly should have switched domains straight away to give myself some peace of mind. But anyway again.

I wasn't going to let them get to me, you see? I wasn't going to let them win by switching domains. But I was constantly wondering of course. And knowing that they were monitoring everything I wrote, my stubborness eventually lead me to censor myself. Any idiot could have told me I was going to do that. So they won anyway. Bloody pride.

I'd already developed a major blogroll problem (mainly cos you're all just too cool). That coupled with my addiction to surfing and *gasp* commenting on other people's sites, meant that I was getting to bed after 1 most nights, then getting up at 6.30, surfing some more, and getting in to work late. Even though I was already in trouble.

When it comes to my little pleasures I have very little discipline (as many of you will know). So of course this turned into a vicious cycle. I was always in late, always tired, and as my job as an editor requires a certain, shall we say, attention to detail... well, it wasn't long til I was in major league issue-town.

About this time my anxiety and panic attacks came back with a vengeance, and I finally pushed myself to visit the doctor and start on what sexy!husband and I refer to as my 'brain pills'. Yum. Little white cruchy ovals full of serotonin producing-goodness. I still don't know why I waited so long.

Meanwhile my boss started performance counselling sessions in an effort to 'rehabilitate' me. I was nearly through when my sister was diagnosed with her brain tumour in june. I went literally to pieces for a week, which i took as sick leave (this was less than a 1/3 of what I had accrued). And according to my boss I'd 'lost my focus' once again. She sat me down and gave me a good talking to when I came back to work. She was actually really MEAN to me. She told me I had to separate my personal life and my work life and just get on with things.

No, really.

I suppose some people might think that your 25 year old sister being diagnosed with cancer was an everyday emotional occurence that you could just block out and keep working, but I'm just not one of them.

Fuck this for a joke, I just lost half my entry. No seriously!


To be continued (cos there's no way I'm going to soend another half-hour rewriting what i just wrote ;)

posted by goldie @ 09:35 PM : comments(18) : view