Wednesday September 01, 2004
hey kiddies, learn a lesson from grandma goldie mkay?

Heh, I think a couple of people got the wrong end of the stick with my last entry... I meant I was going to spring-clean my blogroll of course. Although I'm not sure I did too much actual cleaning. Cos that's a dirty word an' all.

(Note: I apologise for the severe lack of extended-entryness. I hate it when they're not 'collaspsible' and take you to another page, and I can't be bothered installing a script tonight. Yes, I am anal about my blog - if I can't do it right I just won't bother. Oh, and apologies to those who've heard all or part of my melodramatic hooey already *kiss kiss*)

So. Now I'm sitting here, with a minor codeine-withdrawal headache, wondering exactly where to start.

Do I start with our ISP woes? (I mean, what kind of ISP gives their clients 36 hours notice via email to back up all their files or they're screwed? It's not like they didn't have enough space on their porn other servers to back up some small personal sites. But then THAT would constitute actual customer service, which I'm sure they'd never want to be accused of /rant)

Do I start with why I finally stopped writing a couple of months back, after months of negative reinforcement?

Do I start with my sister's tumour actually being diagnosed as malignant 3 weeks ago, after we were told it was very likely benign?

Oooooh... the DRAMA!

You know what? I'm so bloody tired I can't even make up a silly story in an attempt to make you laugh. Instead, I'll give it to you straight:

Back in February (yes, it goes back that far), I was severely disciplined at work for certain entries I wrote on my blog about how 'things' were 'done' there. They took my internet away as a punishment for three months, even though it severly hampered my ability to do my job and even though I'd never made a post from there (not since i was on blogspot anyways). I was also told I had no career there amd that i was lucky not to be going to court. Even though i never used any names. Even though I was only venting my feelings, not stating anything as fact.

I was given an offical warning straight up. Which I prolly should have seen coming. But anyway. And I prolly should have switched domains straight away to give myself some peace of mind. But anyway again.

I wasn't going to let them get to me, you see? I wasn't going to let them win by switching domains. But I was constantly wondering of course. And knowing that they were monitoring everything I wrote, my stubborness eventually lead me to censor myself. Any idiot could have told me I was going to do that. So they won anyway. Bloody pride.

I'd already developed a major blogroll problem (mainly cos you're all just too cool). That coupled with my addiction to surfing and *gasp* commenting on other people's sites, meant that I was getting to bed after 1 most nights, then getting up at 6.30, surfing some more, and getting in to work late. Even though I was already in trouble.

When it comes to my little pleasures I have very little discipline (as many of you will know). So of course this turned into a vicious cycle. I was always in late, always tired, and as my job as an editor requires a certain, shall we say, attention to detail... well, it wasn't long til I was in major league issue-town.

About this time my anxiety and panic attacks came back with a vengeance, and I finally pushed myself to visit the doctor and start on what sexy!husband and I refer to as my 'brain pills'. Yum. Little white cruchy ovals full of serotonin producing-goodness. I still don't know why I waited so long.

Meanwhile my boss started performance counselling sessions in an effort to 'rehabilitate' me. I was nearly through when my sister was diagnosed with her brain tumour in june. I went literally to pieces for a week, which i took as sick leave (this was less than a 1/3 of what I had accrued). And according to my boss I'd 'lost my focus' once again. She sat me down and gave me a good talking to when I came back to work. She was actually really MEAN to me. She told me I had to separate my personal life and my work life and just get on with things.

No, really.

I suppose some people might think that your 25 year old sister being diagnosed with cancer was an everyday emotional occurence that you could just block out and keep working, but I'm just not one of them.

Fuck this for a joke, I just lost half my entry. No seriously!


To be continued (cos there's no way I'm going to soend another half-hour rewriting what i just wrote ;)

posted by goldie @ 09:35 PM on 09.01.04 :  ping
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