Saturday September 04, 2004
hey kiddies... part deuce

Hello, hello. It's been a funny ole Saturday already. I was up at 5.30 and rather flushed to find screen shots of my new skins from the delectable Cherry in my inbox. I am sooo excited, you have no idea. OK, maybe you do. It's the little things giving me pleasure right now :).

Since then I've been pottering around with sexy!husband. We were going to plant our herbs today cos the moon's in just the right phase, but neither of us could be effed to even drive to Bunnings for seedlings, let alone get our hands dirty. In fact I was so tuckered out I fell asleep on the lounge floor. Ergo, I have no birthday presents for dear Mark and Amy tonight. Bugger and blasterooney.

So let's see. Last post I'd made it to June. But I just realised I'd skipped a couple of things critical to how I was feeling...

Firstly, to answer Lisa's question on how they found my URL, it was all due to my own stupidity. I gave it to 5 friends at work, who gave it to five friends, etc. With so many people logging on to look at it each day, it's no wonder it flagged in their regular analyses of non-work-related sites. And fair enough too. Yet they only knew it was me cos I was stupidly vain enough to put my pic up. Heh.

SO! Basically, once they'd taken my internet away (like they were punishing a school kid) and told me I had no career there anymore, I came off my hobby horse in a biiig way. And funnily enough, before that I was feeling the best I had in ages... I was enjoying my blog, my job, my friends... everything was going awesomely well. The cynics among you might say that the time was just ripe then for something to go wrong. Those the highest up have the farthest to fall. And fall I did. It might have run off someone else's back, but that punishment hit me at my very core.

I was going to work in a haze during that time. And between wanting to blog, yet not wanting to in case they read it, doing all my surfing at home and therefore coming in late, and feeling that there really was no point me being at work anyway if the executive managers didn't like me and I had no career... well. You can start to see why I was apathetic about getting out of bed on time.

No wonder I got myself into trouble. Hindsight is 20/20.

Still, I was starting to come good when in late April, a series of misunderstandings lead to me being frozen out by my work friends, who I was quite close with. It happened little by little. One minute we were all planning nights out and shopping every lunch time, and next minute one particular girl had decided I was on the blacklist and suddenly they were always 'too busy' for lunch, or doing something else on the weekend. Unfortunately the rest of 'em followed suit and stopped talking to me so much too.

It didn't help that one of the other girls was in my team. And because I felt so hurt and betrayed I only made half-hearted attempts at trying to reconcile it with her. Hey, they'd ousted me. What was I sposed to do? Beg? When the whole group had rejected me? Especially since none of us had ever really talked about it... no one had ever said to me 'right, you're out.' I never got closure. I think I was just sposed to get the hint. Some might ask why I let it bother me so much, but you spend more time with your workmates than you do your real friends when you think about it. (I now think it had something to do with me being in trouble at work... brushes and tar and all).

Then when I got the news in June about my sister, it was the girl in my team who's office I ran to, an hysterical mess, because we'd been so close before. This sort of thing should bridge friendship, right?

But she wasn't there. I eventually bumped into them out in the hallway, having all come back from coffee together, and I fell into a mess on the carpet, realising the extent of their rejection at the same time as the absoloutely shock of my sister's out-of-the-blue diagnosis.

It was worse the next week. I could barely sit at my desk. On the tuesday it was my birthday, and they gave me a card, a chocolate and a magazine as a group (nothing like the presents and hand-designed cards we've always done for a each other), said happy birthday, endured an awkward silence and went back to their desks. Not one word about my sister or how I was. It finally came to a head when none of them turned up for my birthday drinks on the Friday night. I don't know why I even deluded myself by inviting them. But they finally made it very clear why they weren't there when I texted them to ask.

The following week, right before CY's operation, my boss decided I needed performance counselling again (as I mentioned at the end of the last post). All of my peers had lost respect for my ability to do my job, and all my friends had bailed out. Can you see why I was feeling so bitter about going to work?

About this time I went into coping mode I think. Anything that had been 'causing trouble' in my life had to go, along with anything that made me think too much. My brain was having enough trouble coping with so much change and hurt and shock that I think it just shut down.

Ergo, the ole DQ fell by the wayside. Even though you guys had always accepted me for who I was, and sent monumental messages of support from around the globe. Even though I had been so happy being here with you. There was so much dissonance in my head around blogging... memories of some of the very best and very worst experiences all fighting for precedence, that I needed to reject it for a while. So I could sort everything else out. So I could heal. So I could help my family heal.

I spent most of my spare time in July in front of the heater on the beanbag, reading Bridget Jones' Diary 1 and 2, and then Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix for the third time. Comfort food for the soul.

It was damn good actually.

I coped by focusing on all the good stuff in my life. I have a fabulous group of friends outside work. CY seemed to be on the mend. We threw a fabulous bash for sexy!husband's 30th at the end of July, which was also damn good (70 people, a DJ friend of G's and a shitload of alcohol. Awesome.). And he took me away for a surprise holiday to Melbourne for our 2 year wedding anniversary on the 10th of August. Fabulous.

Somewhere in there the ISP ate our database, which is why I can't post at my old site, and neither can you post comments. It was hard enough to recover all my archives, let alone get the database up and running again.

Maybe the universe was trying to tell me I shouldn't've been so stubborn back in February about moving to new digs.

Anyway, we came back from Melbourne on the 10th of August, and on the 11th we found out that CY's tumour was malignant. *exhale*

Two days after that, my bosses had decided I wasn't improving at work (would you be, with so much apathy, depression and other stuff to deal with? Not to mention bitchy girls refusing to even look at you in the hallway?) and decided that it was high time they gave me a written formal warning. That meant (and still means) that if I fuck up, they can fire me at a moment's notice.


Believe me, I'm sitting her wondering if this post is a good idea. I have no idea if they know about this site yet. I'm hoping not. I've looked at it once from work, but only once, and told no one about it. Who knows. I'm almost past caring.

So yeah. There you go. The last 8 months seems to have been all about the universe teaching me and mine a lesson we won't forget in a hurry. I've had my victim moments, and my moments of complete and utter optimism and strength.

In my 'weaker' moments (mainly in the last 3 weeks) I've contemplated cutting myself to let the hurt out. To watch it all bleed away, slowly... cos it's the only outlet I can see for release, even though I've NEVER done anything like that before. I've cried my heart out hysterically in the toilets at work more than once, asking why my family, why me, and thought about going back to my desk, printing out a lovely long and detailed suicide note (mentioning the bitchy girls and my boss in particular), and slitting my wrists in the toilets. Just so they could come find me.

Sometimes I really earn the title of this blog, eh?

But I'm strong enough and experienced enough to know that the feelings pass eventually. Those who suffer from depression know about 'the hole', and if you wait long enough, you can eventually climb back out. I'm lucky I have such an understanding and caring husband, let alone my family and friends. But lucky him gets to see the bulk of it.

Aa a status update on the work sitch, I have my final meeting next week to resolve the formal warning. My boss has indicated to me that she thinks everything's fine and there should be no probs with the warning being lifted. I realise I've made her sound like a dragon, but I guess in her situation I would have wondered what to do myself. She has a business to run. We're actually on very good terms, quite friendly really. But it was my mum (a manager herself)who gave me the best piece of advice on how to eventually resolve it all: "unplug yourself from what you see as the unfairness of the whole situation, stop seeing your boss as the enemy and start thinking of her as your best ally. Only she has the power to help you through this. That way you both win." And, like most times, my mum was right. I was just so caught up in my emotions that I couldn't see it before.

I realise that I got myself into a lot of this mess, and I take full responsibility for my actions. Even when I'm feeling like a victim, it's because I'm cursing myself for being so stoopid ;). But i can't think about the maybes and what-ifs. I'll drive myself even more insane if I do.

And as for dear CY... well, this post is as much as we know. She's in radiotherapy 5 days a week, for 6 weeks. We can only hope the side effects will be minimal and that the malignant crap will be excised from her head completely. And hopefully (metaphorically speaking) from mine too.

So. It's officially 'new start' time. A new chapter in my life... New blog, new group (thanks so much for taking me on, Pixy and the MuNuvians! You guys ROCK!) and soon a new design.

It's all downhill from here.

posted by goldie @ 06:22 PM on 09.04.04
stuff people said

live preview:




comment me ():

remember me