Saturday September 04, 2004
hey kiddies... part deuce
Hello, hello. It's been a funny ole Saturday already. I was up at 5.30 and rather flushed to find screen shots of my new skins from the delectable Cherry in my inbox. I am sooo excited, you have no idea. OK, maybe you do. It's the little things giving me pleasure right now :).
Since then I've been pottering around with sexy!husband. We were going to plant our herbs today cos the moon's in just the right phase, but neither of us could be effed to even drive to Bunnings for seedlings, let alone get our hands dirty. In fact I was so tuckered out I fell asleep on the lounge floor. Ergo, I have no birthday presents for dear Mark and Amy tonight. Bugger and blasterooney.
So let's see. Last post I'd made it to June. But I just realised I'd skipped a couple of things critical to how I was feeling...
Firstly, to answer Lisa's question on how they found my URL, it was all due to my own stupidity. I gave it to 5 friends at work, who gave it to five friends, etc. With so many people logging on to look at it each day, it's no wonder it flagged in their regular analyses of non-work-related sites. And fair enough too. Yet they only knew it was me cos I was stupidly vain enough to put my pic up. Heh.
SO! Basically, once they'd taken my internet away (like they were punishing a school kid) and told me I had no career there anymore, I came off my hobby horse in a biiig way. And funnily enough, before that I was feeling the best I had in ages... I was enjoying my blog, my job, my friends... everything was going awesomely well. The cynics among you might say that the time was just ripe then for something to go wrong. Those the highest up have the farthest to fall. And fall I did. It might have run off someone else's back, but that punishment hit me at my very core.
I was going to work in a haze during that time. And between wanting to blog, yet not wanting to in case they read it, doing all my surfing at home and therefore coming in late, and feeling that there really was no point me being at work anyway if the executive managers didn't like me and I had no career... well. You can start to see why I was apathetic about getting out of bed on time.
No wonder I got myself into trouble. Hindsight is 20/20.
Still, I was starting to come good when in late April, a series of misunderstandings lead to me being frozen out by my work friends, who I was quite close with. It happened little by little. One minute we were all planning nights out and shopping every lunch time, and next minute one particular girl had decided I was on the blacklist and suddenly they were always 'too busy' for lunch, or doing something else on the weekend. Unfortunately the rest of 'em followed suit and stopped talking to me so much too.
It didn't help that one of the other girls was in my team. And because I felt so hurt and betrayed I only made half-hearted attempts at trying to reconcile it with her. Hey, they'd ousted me. What was I sposed to do? Beg? When the whole group had rejected me? Especially since none of us had ever really talked about it... no one had ever said to me 'right, you're out.' I never got closure. I think I was just sposed to get the hint. Some might ask why I let it bother me so much, but you spend more time with your workmates than you do your real friends when you think about it. (I now think it had something to do with me being in trouble at work... brushes and tar and all).
Then when I got the news in June about my sister, it was the girl in my team who's office I ran to, an hysterical mess, because we'd been so close before. This sort of thing should bridge friendship, right?
But she wasn't there. I eventually bumped into them out in the hallway, having all come back from coffee together, and I fell into a mess on the carpet, realising the extent of their rejection at the same time as the absoloutely shock of my sister's out-of-the-blue diagnosis.
It was worse the next week. I could barely sit at my desk. On the tuesday it was my birthday, and they gave me a card, a chocolate and a magazine as a group (nothing like the presents and hand-designed cards we've always done for a each other), said happy birthday, endured an awkward silence and went back to their desks. Not one word about my sister or how I was. It finally came to a head when none of them turned up for my birthday drinks on the Friday night. I don't know why I even deluded myself by inviting them. But they finally made it very clear why they weren't there when I texted them to ask.
The following week, right before CY's operation, my boss decided I needed performance counselling again (as I mentioned at the end of the last post). All of my peers had lost respect for my ability to do my job, and all my friends had bailed out. Can you see why I was feeling so bitter about going to work?
About this time I went into coping mode I think. Anything that had been 'causing trouble' in my life had to go, along with anything that made me think too much. My brain was having enough trouble coping with so much change and hurt and shock that I think it just shut down.
Ergo, the ole DQ fell by the wayside. Even though you guys had always accepted me for who I was, and sent monumental messages of support from around the globe. Even though I had been so happy being here with you. There was so much dissonance in my head around blogging... memories of some of the very best and very worst experiences all fighting for precedence, that I needed to reject it for a while. So I could sort everything else out. So I could heal. So I could help my family heal.
I spent most of my spare time in July in front of the heater on the beanbag, reading Bridget Jones' Diary 1 and 2, and then Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix for the third time. Comfort food for the soul.
It was damn good actually.
I coped by focusing on all the good stuff in my life. I have a fabulous group of friends outside work. CY seemed to be on the mend. We threw a fabulous bash for sexy!husband's 30th at the end of July, which was also damn good (70 people, a DJ friend of G's and a shitload of alcohol. Awesome.). And he took me away for a surprise holiday to Melbourne for our 2 year wedding anniversary on the 10th of August. Fabulous.
Somewhere in there the ISP ate our database, which is why I can't post at my old site, and neither can you post comments. It was hard enough to recover all my archives, let alone get the database up and running again.
Maybe the universe was trying to tell me I shouldn't've been so stubborn back in February about moving to new digs.
Anyway, we came back from Melbourne on the 10th of August, and on the 11th we found out that CY's tumour was malignant. *exhale*
Two days after that, my bosses had decided I wasn't improving at work (would you be, with so much apathy, depression and other stuff to deal with? Not to mention bitchy girls refusing to even look at you in the hallway?) and decided that it was high time they gave me a written formal warning. That meant (and still means) that if I fuck up, they can fire me at a moment's notice.
Believe me, I'm sitting her wondering if this post is a good idea. I have no idea if they know about this site yet. I'm hoping not. I've looked at it once from work, but only once, and told no one about it. Who knows. I'm almost past caring.
So yeah. There you go. The last 8 months seems to have been all about the universe teaching me and mine a lesson we won't forget in a hurry. I've had my victim moments, and my moments of complete and utter optimism and strength.
In my 'weaker' moments (mainly in the last 3 weeks) I've contemplated cutting myself to let the hurt out. To watch it all bleed away, slowly... cos it's the only outlet I can see for release, even though I've NEVER done anything like that before. I've cried my heart out hysterically in the toilets at work more than once, asking why my family, why me, and thought about going back to my desk, printing out a lovely long and detailed suicide note (mentioning the bitchy girls and my boss in particular), and slitting my wrists in the toilets. Just so they could come find me.
Sometimes I really earn the title of this blog, eh?
But I'm strong enough and experienced enough to know that the feelings pass eventually. Those who suffer from depression know about 'the hole', and if you wait long enough, you can eventually climb back out. I'm lucky I have such an understanding and caring husband, let alone my family and friends. But lucky him gets to see the bulk of it.
Aa a status update on the work sitch, I have my final meeting next week to resolve the formal warning. My boss has indicated to me that she thinks everything's fine and there should be no probs with the warning being lifted. I realise I've made her sound like a dragon, but I guess in her situation I would have wondered what to do myself. She has a business to run. We're actually on very good terms, quite friendly really. But it was my mum (a manager herself)who gave me the best piece of advice on how to eventually resolve it all: "unplug yourself from what you see as the unfairness of the whole situation, stop seeing your boss as the enemy and start thinking of her as your best ally. Only she has the power to help you through this. That way you both win." And, like most times, my mum was right. I was just so caught up in my emotions that I couldn't see it before.
I realise that I got myself into a lot of this mess, and I take full responsibility for my actions. Even when I'm feeling like a victim, it's because I'm cursing myself for being so stoopid ;). But i can't think about the maybes and what-ifs. I'll drive myself even more insane if I do.
And as for dear CY... well, this post is as much as we know. She's in radiotherapy 5 days a week, for 6 weeks. We can only hope the side effects will be minimal and that the malignant crap will be excised from her head completely. And hopefully (metaphorically speaking) from mine too.
So. It's officially 'new start' time. A new chapter in my life... New blog, new group (thanks so much for taking me on, Pixy and the MuNuvians! You guys ROCK!) and soon a new design.
It's all downhill from here.
posted by goldie @ 06:22 PM on 09.04.04
I read it.
I understood it all.
And the one that hit me the most was about cutting yourself to let it all out. I have done that, too-and you know what? It works. It really does.
For about a day.
Then all the bad things come flooding back in, plus a bunch of other fun toys like guilt, embarassment, etc.
If you want to vent and write, go for it. If you want to talk, I'm on email, babe. Things are going better, things are improving. I'm not going to say something trite like "Screw those girls!" since I know how much that hurts.
All I can say is: I understand. Really. And am here if you need to talk.
Dear, dear helen. I knew you would. And same goes for you if you ever want a sympathetic ear across the other side of the globe.
I'm so glad to hear that the fog is lifting.
Man, all of that stuff with your place of work is just nutty. I'm glad you're boss is helping you work through it though. She actually sounds very nice, and certainly helpful. I wish you the best there.
You know, I don't worry about you when you're talking about cutting here. I do worry about you when you disappear and don't answer emails. I'm sure that I would be less worried if this happens again. But while you're feeling better will you choose a central contact person in the blogging world to keep updated just in case you should go missing again? Please?
I wish you'd of told the QW! about this sooner. We could have had those bitches at work killed or tortured or something. You know, when we become presidents of the world?
But seriously, I truly understand how you feel. Being "out" is no fun and you're good people, so when that happens that just makes it worse.
Face the fact about work, the worst thing they can do is fire you, and from personal experience, it usually ends up being the best goddamned thing to ever happen to you. Really.
We've missed you and your glorious insight in the world of the Ozzies. Most blog lovers enjoy living vicariously through other bloggers and we accept the good times with the bad. It's like marriage, only with more sex.
That was a joke.
So was this.
But not this.
OMG. 1) let those work bitches have each other. They suck.
2) Cutting yourself is a bad, bad idea! Because....OW! and also because it's messy and scars you and when you're in a better emotional place you don't really want to be reminded of the crap times, right?
3) Are there no job openings where you live? If that place is sucking the life out of you it would be nice to not have to go there.
4) I think you rawk! I only know what I've read on your blog, but I would totally hang out with you and not snub you on your birthday.
Hang in there!
Glad things are somewhat on the mend for you so don't lose faith! Sometimes the dark spots in our life just help us appreciate all of the good things in our lives. You're a strong person and if the "girls" at work didn't hang with you through these tough times, then it just goes to show you what kind of "friends" they really are. You're better of without them.
Wow. Goldie, I've got so much I want to say to you, I don't know if I can fit it all in here.
In a previous life at a previous job, I went through EXACTLY what you described with the gaggle of girls and how they shut you out. A bunch of us went on a vacation together, came back, and two weeks later the "leader" of the group decided she didn't like me any more. So eventually it permeated the whole group of girls, since the squeaky wheel gets the grease. So let me tell you one very important thing about that situation. Women who feel the need to blacklist you or run around behind your back turning other people against you, do it because they are insecure, and they are threatened by you. Don't you dare take it as a bad thing; if they are petty enough to snub you and be such raging bitches, just tell yourself it's because they know you're amazing, and they know they're shit.
Now. Cutting. I'm not a cutter but one of my best friends is. I'm a bulemic, nearly the same thing. I can really understand the allure of creating pain for yourself; it's a control mechanism. I'll honestly tell you that if you ever feel the desire to do that and you want to email with someone, I'd be here for you. In addition, I'd like to shoot you over to my friend's blog: anima-x.blogspot.com - Shanna is an amazing girl and has some really honest stories about her experience with cutting. We don't abuse ourselves to hurt ourselves. We abuse ourselves because our lives are out of control, and for just a moment we want to be able to control the outcome of something. Hang in there.
Your sister and family are continually in my prayers. I also hope you can reach some kind of accord with your boss... at the very least perhaps down the road if you choose to leave there, she will give you a positive reference.
And... the comment about the phase of the moon and planting an herb garden hit this "Kitchen Witch" right where it counts. Good news is, there'll be another good moon phase. :)
And - doppleganger? Long lost sister? Indeed! I'll lean on you, if you'll lean on me!
All these "ands." Whew!
Goldie, you are the strongest, most-talented woman in the world.
You can live through anything, see it clearly, come out on top, then still have the ability to weave a perfect tale out of it. I mean, who doesn't ride along on your rollercoaster when you tell a story? Who doesn't empathize? Who doesn't understand everything and get sucked in to your life? You may be the greatest writer living today.
Fuck those girls at work.
In the last year I've gotten really good at just cutting people out of my life who do nothing positive for me (and that is what real friends are for). Sure you're going to have 'bad moments' where you need friends to lean on but if the so called 'friend' is being a bitch 24/7 and calling your husband all sorts of names and well ok just being a negative person then it's time to cut them loose.
Sounds like you've got a great bunch of friends outside the office (which is always best) and you've got a great friend over here in Phoenix (or wherever the Air Force may take us). Ever want to get away just give me a buzz. You know how to reach me.
I learned the hard way that you can't ever really trust the people you work with, no matter how much you think you're friends. I'm so sorry this all happened to you. Just remember you have real friends outside of work, and that work is just that, work -- a way to pay for having fun in your real life!
just thinking of you and yours through all of this and sending you good wishes and vibes
I'm so glad you can see light from your hole. You've gone through more than I can possibly imagine, and you're still positive. You truly are amazing. Keep up the writing. It helps more than anyone can imagine.
We all love you, Hel. Stay strong.
Goodness - drama upon drama! I guess you earnt your moniker, eh? Good to see you back anyway - I'll have to see if I can edit the old bogroll ;)
It all sounds so dramatic when itís all laid out like that, but there have been some amazing times too. I just wish it hadn't happened all at once ;). Six months ont he rollercoaster baybees!
Thank you Linda darling. I'm so sorry I worried you when I disappeared for a bit. Just know that I do have a pact with the husband that he is to let the blogging community know if anything happens to me. He's under strict instructions to post anything and everything! I made the pact with him after I got brushed by a speeding car while crossing the road a few months back :).
Ev, I'm coming to realise the exact same thing. sometimes what seems to be the worst may actually be the best thing to happen to you. I just hate having my security threatened *sigh*. maybe I have to give up my connection to some of that... And don't worry. I promise there will be more aussie blogging about beach babes in bikinis and the like, just for you ;).
Kristie honey, thankyou :). you're not so bad yourself, chick! Linda was right to say she wasn't worrying about me and cutting myself though. it was a passing thought when it all just got too much one afternoon, right after I found out about the possible side effects of CY's radiotherapy. the stuff in the toilets at work has happened 4 or 5 times lately, and a few more besides, but I would never do it. my brain seems to get enough satisfaction from just entertaining the thought. I'm getting through it with my counsellor :).
yayaempress, thanks babe. that's one thing I've told myself many, many times. almost like a mantra in the end, because we all sit within 10 meters of eachother!
Rose darling, that is almost exactly what i went through with my girls! It's funny how the ringleader can just make a decision like that and everyone will follow suit. I actually know it's because we're both extroverted and strong, but she's way more conservative 'on the outside' than me... ie she hates to think what people think of her, but she does all sortsd of stuff in secret then publicaly denounces anyone who does it in public. so when I bucked against her trend one too many times, I was out the door. Sound familiar?
thanks also for the link to your friend's site, and the wisdom about abusing ourselves. you're right on with that one, and I knew why i was feeling it when I felt it. which is why i didn't do it. I hope that makes sense ;). Oh, and I eventually got my herbs planted! Love being a certified kitchen witch!
Maine-y baby! How lovely are you! I think there are plenty of other talented bloggers out there who are vying for the title of most talented writer though. like... YOURSELF for example. And Helen at everydaystranger.mu.nu (see comment above) weaves a beautiful tale any time she puts figers to keyboard :). And... gawd, I could go on. I don't associate with non-talented bloggers, you see ;).
Rachel! that's the exact stage I'm going through - learning to cut people out of my life. I spose it's been gettign to me though looking at how many people are left vs how many I've lost or cut out... the latter figure has risen dramatically in the last few years. I'm only now learning to reconcile with that. And hell, one of the reasons I fell out with my bitch friend was because she DID say things about my husband. Funny that, hey?!
Ith darlin', that's it exactly :). I got too caught up, but I'm learning to keep myself divorced from work now.
Thanks UG :)
It's great to be back Kevin, drama and all ;)
G-Fry, I love you all too! I hope you all understand how much it means to me to be welcomed back with open arms. truly. and I'm there for all of you too, whenever you need it :). I might even have an emo-crying moment now ;).
Adam... it's the story of my life ;). Hence, I am the DQ! mars in leo eat your heart out.
welcome back! you are fabulous. remember, there are many jobs out there in the big wide world. don't obsess about any one of them to the point of hurting yourself. you are just more important.
(p.s. post sometime about how you want us to update our links to you.)
Great to see you back. I've updated your link on my site. The new design looks amazing too, very well done. A+ See me after class! ;)
Sounds like you got a ton of good advice and good wishes from everyone. I've been working like crazy and I'm so far behind in my reading, I only just got here today for this post!
When bad things happen in my little world, I always ask myself - what's the worst thing that could happen because of this? Once I realize I can cope with the worst, it makes it easier to handle what's really happening.
Your mother sounds like a terrific woman! She gave you some great advice about work and even better - you took it. Good for you!
Last of all the people you work with... geeze I so feel your pain. I've had people who have hated me - and I have never figured out why. It's very very hard to be excluded from a group especially if everything was okay and then bam! I like the suggestions above about keeping work separate from being friends. It's difficult, but in the end it's much easier on your psyche.
Anyway, sounds like things are finally starting to pull out of the hole they dropped into. I'm so glad!