Saturday October 16, 2004
open up your heart and let the sun shine in

....can you hear that?

It's my heart singing. :D

Truly. I've had a marvelously wonderful day. Since this chick encouraged me to have a few days off to rest and recuperate, not to mention collect my thoughts, I've been feeling steadily better than I have in a long time.

The fact that CY finished her radiation treatment yesterday after 6 weeks of week-daily appointments is no small part of my relief either. I can't believe it. Four months on and it's over. She still needs regular check ups of course, but I dunno... there's a part of me somewhere inside that knows this is it. This is the end.

It's the end of a difficult time for many of us, not just myself and my family. I've talked to quite a few friends lately who've said this year has been one of the hardest they've ever experienced. But dammit, we've come out on top. A little bruised and a lot worse for wear maybe, but far more certain about what we want in life, and how best to get it. How to whittle away the shrapnel until only our truest, most heartfelt purpose is left.

I've dealt with loss. I've looked my sister's death in the face. And I looked my own humanity and frailty in the face and finally accepted it as part of who I am.

I can truly say I've learnt more in these last 12 months than I ever have in the last 12 years. The tenacity and unconditional love of my family. How precious my sisters and mother are to me. How incredibly hard my husband works... and works... and works. Who my real friends are (and I grieved the loss of more than just one or two). That fear of a thing is sometimes doubly worse than the thing itself. How I can keep on redefining the boundaries. And how my breaking point can keep on getting stretched and stretched and stretched, but that I'll never let it snap in two, even when it seems there's no other way to let the hurt burst free from my body.

They say that evolution only happens through pain and suffering. Well by bloody God, I've evolved this year, as I'm sure many of you have too. And now... now it's finally time to see some reward for all that effort, all that pain, all that testing and building of my character (which should have a nice pair of biceps on it now thanks).

Course I dunno what the reward is yet (freedom, relief and contentment work for me, thanks), but I can feel it. It's coming. I'll let you know when I find out.

posted by goldie @ 04:24 AM on 10.16.04 :  ping
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