September 15, 2004
one day at a time
You know, if you keep your eyes peeled, you can learn at least one new thing each and every day.
Today I took advantage of my sick day off work to take my sister CY to her radiotherapy treatment, and I was lucky enough to learn several new things:
- Siemens make more electronic 'gadgets' than just mobile phones.
- Matters of the heart will always separate your true friends from your acquaintances, especially if you've fallen in love with your ex-boyfriend's best friend. It doesn't matter if you have malignant cancer and therefore have changed your outlook on life to accomodate this fact.
- Corollary: these people always have an opinion and don't seem to care who it hurts or how short-sighted they're being. Also they don't seem to realise that their opinion and $2.50 will buy them a cup of coffee. Maybe.
- It apparently takes at least 6 kinds of chocolate a day to help fight anaplastic astrocytomas. At last count at my mum's place, there were 2 half-eaten family blocks of Cadbury's Three Wishes, a family block of Milky Way Coconut Rough, an untouched family block of Cadbury Dairy Milk, 3 packets of unopened Tim Tams, and probably a Mother's Day sized box of Dairy Milk Tray. Oh. And a packets of handmade chocolate-dipped shortbread bikkies shaped like hearts. One of the nurse's at the radiotherapy centre makes them :).
- That my sister's laugh can be heard down the other side of the radiotherapy ward, even when she's shut up in a room designed to stop even the smallest radioactive particle from leaking.
Here's to living life folks. ~cheers~« I'm finished
posted by goldie
@ 10:57 PM
: ping (0)
: view »
Track Back Link:
When stuff like this happens it really does teach the value of the smallest thing doesn't it?
as they say it's always the little things that make the biggest differences
It's great that your sister's laugh penetrates the walls designed to keep radioactive particles from spreading! There's nothing like laughter to brighten someone's day. Hope all well with CY!
It's great that your sister's laugh penetrates the walls designed to keep radioactive particles from spreading! There's nothing like laughter to brighten someone's day. Hope all is well with CY!
Bless your sister! A woman's laughter is the chimes in God's orchestra :-)
Off-topic, I'm thinking you & I need to do a candy bar exchange. We don't have anything like Tim-Tams in the States :-)
you gotta love anyone with a laugh that powerful. that's just awesome.
September 13, 2004
I know you wanna snog me...
I'm officially sick. Isn't that great?
No, really. I mean it. It's fantastic. You see, I've been feeling like shit for weeks. Kinda fluey, swollen in the neck, and my sinuses have been giving me hell. Plus my ears felt funny. No, I can't describe it any better than that. Believe me, I tried.
But none of it was enough to go bother the doctor with. Hey, we all feel fluey at times. It's probably hayfever (common as sheep among us Aussies). Nothing to make a fuss about.
Then the Disturbing Symptom developed. You know what I mean. Waves of nausea are never a good thing.
So off I trotted to the doc, where I was given the uber-satisfying diagnosis of Nasty Ear Infection. One worth two prescriptions of double strength, horse-pill-sized penicillin tablets. One where I can actually say to any doubters, "Look! I wasn't whining about nothing for the past few weeks! Look at my horse pills. Look how big and anti-bacterial they are!"
I feel so damn justified right now =D.
posted by goldie
@ 11:52 PM
: ping (0)
: view »
Track Back Link:
awww im sorry i didnt know you were feeling ill...get better soon, ok?
Normally I give hugs to comfort, but...
On second thought, why not? I've got a healthy immune system...
Ick! I thought it was just us over here getting sick like crazy!
I hope you feel better soon!
I'd hate to say that I'm glad that you're sick, but you seem somewhat relieved by it. Oh well! Hope you get to feeling better soon and your horse-sized penicillan pills cure all your aches and pains!
Ugh. Feel better soon! Being sick is really not that fun...
hope you feel better soon! doesn't it feel great to be vindicated! i love it.
Dude! We're falling apart here in blogland!
Those pills are the best, hard to swallow and they double as something to throw if the need arises
I'm sorry that you feel sick, Goldie!
When I get sick my mom gives me her remedy of hot sauce and Sprite mix togeter, and it works, but you have to have strong stomache and lots of toilet paper! The last time I drank it I farted alot that it was so bad that my hamster Rocky was holding his nose, but I felt better.
I hope you get well soon, Goldie!
Damn! You can make me laugh about the most serious shit. I hope you can get those horse pills down your throat and start to feel better soon. *hugs*
Yeah Gary gave it to me.
I feel nasty gross blah.. and not much like working.
PS I love this Shag skin. It bloody rocks!
September 10, 2004
did someone say relax and take it easy?
Ahhh... nothing like a free day off. A day where I can do absolutely anything I want. A day in which I can be a completely lazy-assed bitch and absolutely no one will care.
Surf blogs all day? Yep! Tweak my new templates so they're just right? Yep! Sit round in my fluffy duck dressing gown til 4pm, drinking cup after cup of strong tea? You betcha baby!
...that is, of course, after I go to the doctor for new prescriptions for my anxiety and asthma. And to Bunnings for the spring onions they didn't have last week, and for the weed killer I forgot to buy. And to the tyre shop to replace Buggles' balding tyres (they should make Rogaine for cars). And after I write an application for the rather snazzy job I saw in Saturday's paper. Not to mention clean up the bedroom, as my warbrobe seems to consist of the walk-in robe and about 1/3 of the carpet.
Yep. Nice quiet day off for this lil ole dramaqueen.« I'm finished
posted by goldie
@ 11:29 AM
: ping (0)
: view »
Track Back Link:
Ahhh.... Bunnings. Finally I find a blog reference I can relate to. Plan to spend some time (and no doubt, a great deal of money) there myself on the weekend.
Friends of mine have a theory... If you visit Bunnings once on a weekend, you are destined to spend at least $50, otherwise you will return at least twice more to pick up the things you forgot to get the first time. So true.....
"Rogaine for cars"
Sometimes I don't even go outside on my days off but now that summer is winding down, I'm looking for every opportunity to be outdoors.
September 06, 2004
*breathes a nice, deep cleansing breath*
Wow. Thanks to everyone for all your comments on my last post. I just got through responding to them all (in brief, cos I have to go to work) and realised just how dramatic everything sounded when it was laid out like that. Funny that.
It's not like there haven't been good times. And it's not like I haven't been at least partially responsible for a lot of the bad ones. I firmly believe we make our own choices and lay in our own beds once we've made them. Hospital corners or no.
Which is probably why I have an anxiety disorder. But anyways...
I know I could have coped with any one or two of those situations on their own. It was just when they all came stampeding along, one after the other - BANG BANG BANG - that I started to implode. And that's why I withdrew for a bit. Simple as that.
The main thing I wanted to express was that, as I said in my comment responses, I hope you all understand how much it truly means to me to be welcomed back with open arms like this. How much it buoys me up and gives me joy, to both hear your thoughts and advice on my issues, and your open acceptance of the same from me.
What an incredibly wonderful, compassionate, generous and talented group of people I know online.
Bah! Now I might cry ;).
posted by goldie
@ 08:46 AM
: ping (0)
: view »
Track Back Link:
Every time I read I find something else that you and I have in common. Have a good day at work and take care. The blogosphere can reap amazing awards for someone as good-hearted as you. :)
Hey there sweetie! I only just found out about your new spot. I'm so sorry to read what you and your family have had to go through, and I hope you get the chance to thoroughly stick it to those fickle bitches at your work sometime very soon.
Am I a bad person because I giggled naughtily when Goldie said "BANG BANG BANG" ;-)
Nice new layout!! Sorry, I know I'm late commenting, but ... well, no reason. I've just been lazy lately! Great look you have here Goldie!
September 04, 2004
hey kiddies... part deuce
Hello, hello. It's been a funny ole Saturday already. I was up at 5.30 and rather flushed to find screen shots of my new skins from the delectable Cherry in my inbox. I am sooo excited, you have no idea. OK, maybe you do. It's the little things giving me pleasure right now :).
Since then I've been pottering around with sexy!husband. We were going to plant our herbs today cos the moon's in just the right phase, but neither of us could be effed to even drive to Bunnings for seedlings, let alone get our hands dirty. In fact I was so tuckered out I fell asleep on the lounge floor. Ergo, I have no birthday presents for dear Mark and Amy tonight. Bugger and blasterooney.
So let's see. Last post I'd made it to June. But I just realised I'd skipped a couple of things critical to how I was feeling...
Firstly, to answer Lisa's question on how they found my URL, it was all due to my own stupidity. I gave it to 5 friends at work, who gave it to five friends, etc. With so many people logging on to look at it each day, it's no wonder it flagged in their regular analyses of non-work-related sites. And fair enough too. Yet they only knew it was me cos I was stupidly vain enough to put my pic up. Heh.
SO! Basically, once they'd taken my internet away (like they were punishing a school kid) and told me I had no career there anymore, I came off my hobby horse in a biiig way. And funnily enough, before that I was feeling the best I had in ages... I was enjoying my blog, my job, my friends... everything was going awesomely well. The cynics among you might say that the time was just ripe then for something to go wrong. Those the highest up have the farthest to fall. And fall I did. It might have run off someone else's back, but that punishment hit me at my very core.
I was going to work in a haze during that time. And between wanting to blog, yet not wanting to in case they read it, doing all my surfing at home and therefore coming in late, and feeling that there really was no point me being at work anyway if the executive managers didn't like me and I had no career... well. You can start to see why I was apathetic about getting out of bed on time.
No wonder I got myself into trouble. Hindsight is 20/20.
Still, I was starting to come good when in late April, a series of misunderstandings lead to me being frozen out by my work friends, who I was quite close with. It happened little by little. One minute we were all planning nights out and shopping every lunch time, and next minute one particular girl had decided I was on the blacklist and suddenly they were always 'too busy' for lunch, or doing something else on the weekend. Unfortunately the rest of 'em followed suit and stopped talking to me so much too.
It didn't help that one of the other girls was in my team. And because I felt so hurt and betrayed I only made half-hearted attempts at trying to reconcile it with her. Hey, they'd ousted me. What was I sposed to do? Beg? When the whole group had rejected me? Especially since none of us had ever really talked about it... no one had ever said to me 'right, you're out.' I never got closure. I think I was just sposed to get the hint. Some might ask why I let it bother me so much, but you spend more time with your workmates than you do your real friends when you think about it. (I now think it had something to do with me being in trouble at work... brushes and tar and all).
Then when I got the news in June about my sister, it was the girl in my team who's office I ran to, an hysterical mess, because we'd been so close before. This sort of thing should bridge friendship, right?
But she wasn't there. I eventually bumped into them out in the hallway, having all come back from coffee together, and I fell into a mess on the carpet, realising the extent of their rejection at the same time as the absoloutely shock of my sister's out-of-the-blue diagnosis.
It was worse the next week. I could barely sit at my desk. On the tuesday it was my birthday, and they gave me a card, a chocolate and a magazine as a group (nothing like the presents and hand-designed cards we've always done for a each other), said happy birthday, endured an awkward silence and went back to their desks. Not one word about my sister or how I was. It finally came to a head when none of them turned up for my birthday drinks on the Friday night. I don't know why I even deluded myself by inviting them. But they finally made it very clear why they weren't there when I texted them to ask.
The following week, right before CY's operation, my boss decided I needed performance counselling again (as I mentioned at the end of the last post). All of my peers had lost respect for my ability to do my job, and all my friends had bailed out. Can you see why I was feeling so bitter about going to work?
About this time I went into coping mode I think. Anything that had been 'causing trouble' in my life had to go, along with anything that made me think too much. My brain was having enough trouble coping with so much change and hurt and shock that I think it just shut down.
Ergo, the ole DQ fell by the wayside. Even though you guys had always accepted me for who I was, and sent monumental messages of support from around the globe. Even though I had been so happy being here with you. There was so much dissonance in my head around blogging... memories of some of the very best and very worst experiences all fighting for precedence, that I needed to reject it for a while. So I could sort everything else out. So I could heal. So I could help my family heal.
I spent most of my spare time in July in front of the heater on the beanbag, reading Bridget Jones' Diary 1 and 2, and then Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix for the third time. Comfort food for the soul.
It was damn good actually.
I coped by focusing on all the good stuff in my life. I have a fabulous group of friends outside work. CY seemed to be on the mend. We threw a fabulous bash for sexy!husband's 30th at the end of July, which was also damn good (70 people, a DJ friend of G's and a shitload of alcohol. Awesome.). And he took me away for a surprise holiday to Melbourne for our 2 year wedding anniversary on the 10th of August. Fabulous.
Somewhere in there the ISP ate our database, which is why I can't post at my old site, and neither can you post comments. It was hard enough to recover all my archives, let alone get the database up and running again.
Maybe the universe was trying to tell me I shouldn't've been so stubborn back in February about moving to new digs.
Anyway, we came back from Melbourne on the 10th of August, and on the 11th we found out that CY's tumour was malignant. *exhale*
Two days after that, my bosses had decided I wasn't improving at work (would you be, with so much apathy, depression and other stuff to deal with? Not to mention bitchy girls refusing to even look at you in the hallway?) and decided that it was high time they gave me a written formal warning. That meant (and still means) that if I fuck up, they can fire me at a moment's notice.
Believe me, I'm sitting her wondering if this post is a good idea. I have no idea if they know about this site yet. I'm hoping not. I've looked at it once from work, but only once, and told no one about it. Who knows. I'm almost past caring.
So yeah. There you go. The last 8 months seems to have been all about the universe teaching me and mine a lesson we won't forget in a hurry. I've had my victim moments, and my moments of complete and utter optimism and strength.
In my 'weaker' moments (mainly in the last 3 weeks) I've contemplated cutting myself to let the hurt out. To watch it all bleed away, slowly... cos it's the only outlet I can see for release, even though I've NEVER done anything like that before. I've cried my heart out hysterically in the toilets at work more than once, asking why my family, why me, and thought about going back to my desk, printing out a lovely long and detailed suicide note (mentioning the bitchy girls and my boss in particular), and slitting my wrists in the toilets. Just so they could come find me.
Sometimes I really earn the title of this blog, eh?
But I'm strong enough and experienced enough to know that the feelings pass eventually. Those who suffer from depression know about 'the hole', and if you wait long enough, you can eventually climb back out. I'm lucky I have such an understanding and caring husband, let alone my family and friends. But lucky him gets to see the bulk of it.
Aa a status update on the work sitch, I have my final meeting next week to resolve the formal warning. My boss has indicated to me that she thinks everything's fine and there should be no probs with the warning being lifted. I realise I've made her sound like a dragon, but I guess in her situation I would have wondered what to do myself. She has a business to run. We're actually on very good terms, quite friendly really. But it was my mum (a manager herself)who gave me the best piece of advice on how to eventually resolve it all: "unplug yourself from what you see as the unfairness of the whole situation, stop seeing your boss as the enemy and start thinking of her as your best ally. Only she has the power to help you through this. That way you both win." And, like most times, my mum was right. I was just so caught up in my emotions that I couldn't see it before.
I realise that I got myself into a lot of this mess, and I take full responsibility for my actions. Even when I'm feeling like a victim, it's because I'm cursing myself for being so stoopid ;). But i can't think about the maybes and what-ifs. I'll drive myself even more insane if I do.
And as for dear CY... well, this post is as much as we know. She's in radiotherapy 5 days a week, for 6 weeks. We can only hope the side effects will be minimal and that the malignant crap will be excised from her head completely. And hopefully (metaphorically speaking) from mine too.
So. It's officially 'new start' time. A new chapter in my life... New blog, new group (thanks so much for taking me on, Pixy and the MuNuvians! You guys ROCK!) and soon a new design.
It's all downhill from here.
posted by goldie
@ 06:22 PM
: ping (2)
: view »
Track Back Link:
Play victim and I'll black your eyes again.
Holdie has returned and shared some of the current hell to which she has been subjected. Lately, it seems as though all my friends are in hell. And I'm having a good time with the good things happening to me,...
September 5, 2004 12:30 AM
Return of the Queen
Holy Cow, Dramaqueen is back! Sweet....
September 5, 2004 04:31 AM
I read it.
I understood it all.
And the one that hit me the most was about cutting yourself to let it all out. I have done that, too-and you know what? It works. It really does.
For about a day.
Then all the bad things come flooding back in, plus a bunch of other fun toys like guilt, embarassment, etc.
If you want to vent and write, go for it. If you want to talk, I'm on email, babe. Things are going better, things are improving. I'm not going to say something trite like "Screw those girls!" since I know how much that hurts.
All I can say is: I understand. Really. And am here if you need to talk.
Dear, dear helen. I knew you would. And same goes for you if you ever want a sympathetic ear across the other side of the globe.
I'm so glad to hear that the fog is lifting.
Man, all of that stuff with your place of work is just nutty. I'm glad you're boss is helping you work through it though. She actually sounds very nice, and certainly helpful. I wish you the best there.
You know, I don't worry about you when you're talking about cutting here. I do worry about you when you disappear and don't answer emails. I'm sure that I would be less worried if this happens again. But while you're feeling better will you choose a central contact person in the blogging world to keep updated just in case you should go missing again? Please?
I wish you'd of told the QW! about this sooner. We could have had those bitches at work killed or tortured or something. You know, when we become presidents of the world?
But seriously, I truly understand how you feel. Being "out" is no fun and you're good people, so when that happens that just makes it worse.
Face the fact about work, the worst thing they can do is fire you, and from personal experience, it usually ends up being the best goddamned thing to ever happen to you. Really.
We've missed you and your glorious insight in the world of the Ozzies. Most blog lovers enjoy living vicariously through other bloggers and we accept the good times with the bad. It's like marriage, only with more sex.
That was a joke.
So was this.
But not this.
OMG. 1) let those work bitches have each other. They suck.
2) Cutting yourself is a bad, bad idea! Because....OW! and also because it's messy and scars you and when you're in a better emotional place you don't really want to be reminded of the crap times, right?
3) Are there no job openings where you live? If that place is sucking the life out of you it would be nice to not have to go there.
4) I think you rawk! I only know what I've read on your blog, but I would totally hang out with you and not snub you on your birthday.
Hang in there!
Glad things are somewhat on the mend for you so don't lose faith! Sometimes the dark spots in our life just help us appreciate all of the good things in our lives. You're a strong person and if the "girls" at work didn't hang with you through these tough times, then it just goes to show you what kind of "friends" they really are. You're better of without them.
Wow. Goldie, I've got so much I want to say to you, I don't know if I can fit it all in here.
In a previous life at a previous job, I went through EXACTLY what you described with the gaggle of girls and how they shut you out. A bunch of us went on a vacation together, came back, and two weeks later the "leader" of the group decided she didn't like me any more. So eventually it permeated the whole group of girls, since the squeaky wheel gets the grease. So let me tell you one very important thing about that situation. Women who feel the need to blacklist you or run around behind your back turning other people against you, do it because they are insecure, and they are threatened by you. Don't you dare take it as a bad thing; if they are petty enough to snub you and be such raging bitches, just tell yourself it's because they know you're amazing, and they know they're shit.
Now. Cutting. I'm not a cutter but one of my best friends is. I'm a bulemic, nearly the same thing. I can really understand the allure of creating pain for yourself; it's a control mechanism. I'll honestly tell you that if you ever feel the desire to do that and you want to email with someone, I'd be here for you. In addition, I'd like to shoot you over to my friend's blog: anima-x.blogspot.com - Shanna is an amazing girl and has some really honest stories about her experience with cutting. We don't abuse ourselves to hurt ourselves. We abuse ourselves because our lives are out of control, and for just a moment we want to be able to control the outcome of something. Hang in there.
Your sister and family are continually in my prayers. I also hope you can reach some kind of accord with your boss... at the very least perhaps down the road if you choose to leave there, she will give you a positive reference.
And... the comment about the phase of the moon and planting an herb garden hit this "Kitchen Witch" right where it counts. Good news is, there'll be another good moon phase. :)
And - doppleganger? Long lost sister? Indeed! I'll lean on you, if you'll lean on me!
All these "ands." Whew!
Goldie, you are the strongest, most-talented woman in the world.
You can live through anything, see it clearly, come out on top, then still have the ability to weave a perfect tale out of it. I mean, who doesn't ride along on your rollercoaster when you tell a story? Who doesn't empathize? Who doesn't understand everything and get sucked in to your life? You may be the greatest writer living today.
Fuck those girls at work.
In the last year I've gotten really good at just cutting people out of my life who do nothing positive for me (and that is what real friends are for). Sure you're going to have 'bad moments' where you need friends to lean on but if the so called 'friend' is being a bitch 24/7 and calling your husband all sorts of names and well ok just being a negative person then it's time to cut them loose.
Sounds like you've got a great bunch of friends outside the office (which is always best) and you've got a great friend over here in Phoenix (or wherever the Air Force may take us). Ever want to get away just give me a buzz. You know how to reach me.
I learned the hard way that you can't ever really trust the people you work with, no matter how much you think you're friends. I'm so sorry this all happened to you. Just remember you have real friends outside of work, and that work is just that, work -- a way to pay for having fun in your real life!
just thinking of you and yours through all of this and sending you good wishes and vibes
I'm so glad you can see light from your hole. You've gone through more than I can possibly imagine, and you're still positive. You truly are amazing. Keep up the writing. It helps more than anyone can imagine.
We all love you, Hel. Stay strong.
Goodness - drama upon drama! I guess you earnt your moniker, eh? Good to see you back anyway - I'll have to see if I can edit the old bogroll ;)
It all sounds so dramatic when it’s all laid out like that, but there have been some amazing times too. I just wish it hadn't happened all at once ;). Six months ont he rollercoaster baybees!
Thank you Linda darling. I'm so sorry I worried you when I disappeared for a bit. Just know that I do have a pact with the husband that he is to let the blogging community know if anything happens to me. He's under strict instructions to post anything and everything! I made the pact with him after I got brushed by a speeding car while crossing the road a few months back :).
Ev, I'm coming to realise the exact same thing. sometimes what seems to be the worst may actually be the best thing to happen to you. I just hate having my security threatened *sigh*. maybe I have to give up my connection to some of that... And don't worry. I promise there will be more aussie blogging about beach babes in bikinis and the like, just for you ;).
Kristie honey, thankyou :). you're not so bad yourself, chick! Linda was right to say she wasn't worrying about me and cutting myself though. it was a passing thought when it all just got too much one afternoon, right after I found out about the possible side effects of CY's radiotherapy. the stuff in the toilets at work has happened 4 or 5 times lately, and a few more besides, but I would never do it. my brain seems to get enough satisfaction from just entertaining the thought. I'm getting through it with my counsellor :).
yayaempress, thanks babe. that's one thing I've told myself many, many times. almost like a mantra in the end, because we all sit within 10 meters of eachother!
Rose darling, that is almost exactly what i went through with my girls! It's funny how the ringleader can just make a decision like that and everyone will follow suit. I actually know it's because we're both extroverted and strong, but she's way more conservative 'on the outside' than me... ie she hates to think what people think of her, but she does all sortsd of stuff in secret then publicaly denounces anyone who does it in public. so when I bucked against her trend one too many times, I was out the door. Sound familiar?
thanks also for the link to your friend's site, and the wisdom about abusing ourselves. you're right on with that one, and I knew why i was feeling it when I felt it. which is why i didn't do it. I hope that makes sense ;). Oh, and I eventually got my herbs planted! Love being a certified kitchen witch!
Maine-y baby! How lovely are you! I think there are plenty of other talented bloggers out there who are vying for the title of most talented writer though. like... YOURSELF for example. And Helen at everydaystranger.mu.nu (see comment above) weaves a beautiful tale any time she puts figers to keyboard :). And... gawd, I could go on. I don't associate with non-talented bloggers, you see ;).
Rachel! that's the exact stage I'm going through - learning to cut people out of my life. I spose it's been gettign to me though looking at how many people are left vs how many I've lost or cut out... the latter figure has risen dramatically in the last few years. I'm only now learning to reconcile with that. And hell, one of the reasons I fell out with my bitch friend was because she DID say things about my husband. Funny that, hey?!
Ith darlin', that's it exactly :). I got too caught up, but I'm learning to keep myself divorced from work now.
Thanks UG :)
It's great to be back Kevin, drama and all ;)
G-Fry, I love you all too! I hope you all understand how much it means to me to be welcomed back with open arms. truly. and I'm there for all of you too, whenever you need it :). I might even have an emo-crying moment now ;).
Adam... it's the story of my life ;). Hence, I am the DQ! mars in leo eat your heart out.
welcome back! you are fabulous. remember, there are many jobs out there in the big wide world. don't obsess about any one of them to the point of hurting yourself. you are just more important.
(p.s. post sometime about how you want us to update our links to you.)
Great to see you back. I've updated your link on my site. The new design looks amazing too, very well done. A+ See me after class! ;)
Sounds like you got a ton of good advice and good wishes from everyone. I've been working like crazy and I'm so far behind in my reading, I only just got here today for this post!
When bad things happen in my little world, I always ask myself - what's the worst thing that could happen because of this? Once I realize I can cope with the worst, it makes it easier to handle what's really happening.
Your mother sounds like a terrific woman! She gave you some great advice about work and even better - you took it. Good for you!
Last of all the people you work with... geeze I so feel your pain. I've had people who have hated me - and I have never figured out why. It's very very hard to be excluded from a group especially if everything was okay and then bam! I like the suggestions above about keeping work separate from being friends. It's difficult, but in the end it's much easier on your psyche.
Anyway, sounds like things are finally starting to pull out of the hole they dropped into. I'm so glad!
September 03, 2004
I totally forgot how many of you there are. Thanks for being so wonderful with your comments on the last post - I've read them all and appreciated them wholeheartedly in between (slowly but surely) visiting everyone on my blogrolls, and surfing for pics for my new layout. Actually, I've found a couple of gorgeous images, after surfing 9 sites and probably over 250 pics. Thanks to Cherry for being so gawddamn patient with me sending her multitudes of jpgs as a form of talking to myself about which one I wanted.
Oh yes, I forgot to mention - Web Divas (also staffed by the bitchalicious rachel) are doing some fab design work for me (along with blogmoxie). What a bunch of talented chicks I know...
It's been a funny ole day. Our dear lil cat Josie had what one might call a mild dose of the trots last night, resulting in some lovely skid marks all over our slate and carpets and a wonderful perfume pervading the entire house. Charming.
And today was also my sister's first day of radiotherapy treatment for her tumour. I went along for moral support as did my other sister Lauren, and my mum of course. Things haven't been all easy with this. We found out last week that the radiotherapy may not be side-effect-free when administered to the brain area, as it may be on other parts of the body. CY may be in for anything from blindness to losing her ability to have children. Not to mention losing some intelligence. And any hair loss may either be permanent, or grow back completely different from what it is now. IE, one woman had brown wavy hair and ended up with jet black straight hair. Spooky n weird.
I also saw her CT scans for the first time ever today. I have deliberately avoided them cos I've always been queasy of inside-body parts, but she made me look. That bloody tumour took up almost a quarter of her brain area in it's thickest part before they took it out in une (thank god they got it all). I could see where her cerebrum had been squashed over by it. Fuck me.
The main problem is with CY thinking she's going to be an utter freak, and that no one in the future will want to be her friend, let alone love her romantically. That coupled with some lil issues around 'control' and 'independence' between her, Lauren and my Mum isn't making things easy (and believe me, I'm caught in the middle cos I can see both sides of the story... not that my mum has really done anything wrong in my eyes. Seriously ill people have so many things to deal with, and losing their independence is certainly one of them for my dear sis). But she coped amazingly well considering. My Dad has also come for a visit from Hong Kong. Which is surreal. I don't have much respect for him really you see.
Having Aunty Flow (painters and decorators) round to visit this morning hasn't helped either *sigh*.
So now that I've been so focused on my new design and a whole heap o' other 'day-to-day' stuff, it's suddenly got to 11.30 and I won't be continuing my story from yesterday just yet. Thanks again to all for your encouraging words and thoughts. They mean the absolute world to me!
posted by goldie
@ 12:46 AM
: ping (0)
: view »
Track Back Link:
goldie - i am so happy to see you back amongst us! yay! the queen has returned!
Many thoughts and prayers go out to your sis today, along with the rest of the fam. But you know that.
AF along with all the rest of this crap...good God, I'm surprised you have the energy to blog. Though, it's these exact scenarios that make blogging such a cathartic experience sometimes.
Here's hoping for a more gentle tomorrow. :)
As I told you 3 months ago I'm still praying for your sister and your family.
You've been in my thoughts this whole time.
Goldie dear! I've missed you so.
I do hope everything works out well for your sister. Maybe if her hair does turn out jet black they could figure out how to give her a white lock. Readers of David Eddings novels would lust for her.
It sounds like she should have a good chance since they were able to remove the tumor surgically. My sister had to go thru radiation to the head and luckily it just made her a little dizzy afterwards. So I'll be hoping for side effect treatments for your sister too.
I'm here for a cuppa and half a dozen Tim Tams :)
Whoa, lotsa stuff's been happening huh...crossing all my crossable body parts for your sis's recovery - and big bummmers about your job.
Let's hope the all new Mu Drama Queen helps you get your head round all these major dramas, babe.
Now lets open those bloody biccies!
Do me a favor. Tell your sister to focus all that energy she's spending on the unknowns on the fight, instead. Tell her to envision the chemo attacking the renegade cells. Tell her that she has to think that way to win the battle AND the war. And tell her I'm praying for her.
hey hon, so glad to see you back! send your sister my best wishes - if there is anything I can do to help, like provide information etc, let me know!
You've been so busy I'm surprised you find time to blog at all! We're sending good thoughts & wishes your way - and your sister's way, of course.
Many many wellwishes for you, and your sister, and I can sympathize with everything you're going through. Looking at CT's is scary (I've been looking at CT's recently of my mom's lung tumor, though it's benign) and facing the unknown in a medical situation is something I wouldn't wish on anyone.
You're in my thoughts.
September 01, 2004
hey kiddies, learn a lesson from grandma goldie mkay?
Heh, I think a couple of people got the wrong end of the stick with my last entry... I meant I was going to spring-clean my blogroll of course. Although I'm not sure I did too much actual cleaning. Cos that's a dirty word an' all.
(Note: I apologise for the severe lack of extended-entryness. I hate it when they're not 'collaspsible' and take you to another page, and I can't be bothered installing a script tonight. Yes, I am anal about my blog - if I can't do it right I just won't bother. Oh, and apologies to those who've heard all or part of my melodramatic hooey already *kiss kiss*)
So. Now I'm sitting here, with a minor codeine-withdrawal headache, wondering exactly where to start.
Do I start with our ISP woes? (I mean, what kind of ISP gives their clients 36 hours notice via email to back up all their files or they're screwed? It's not like they didn't have enough space on their
porn other servers to back up some small personal sites. But then THAT would constitute actual customer service, which I'm sure they'd never want to be accused of /rant)
Do I start with why I finally stopped writing a couple of months back, after months of negative reinforcement?
Do I start with my sister's tumour actually being diagnosed as malignant 3 weeks ago, after we were told it was very likely benign?
Oooooh... the DRAMA!
You know what? I'm so bloody tired I can't even make up a silly story in an attempt to make you laugh. Instead, I'll give it to you straight:
Back in February (yes, it goes back that far), I was severely disciplined at work for certain entries I wrote on my blog about how 'things' were 'done' there. They took my internet away as a punishment for three months, even though it severly hampered my ability to do my job and even though I'd never made a post from there (not since i was on blogspot anyways). I was also told I had no career there amd that i was lucky not to be going to court. Even though i never used any names. Even though I was only venting my feelings, not stating anything as fact.
I was given an offical warning straight up. Which I prolly should have seen coming. But anyway. And I prolly should have switched domains straight away to give myself some peace of mind. But anyway again.
I wasn't going to let them get to me, you see? I wasn't going to let them win by switching domains. But I was constantly wondering of course. And knowing that they were monitoring everything I wrote, my stubborness eventually lead me to censor myself. Any idiot could have told me I was going to do that. So they won anyway. Bloody pride.
I'd already developed a major blogroll problem (mainly cos you're all just too cool). That coupled with my addiction to surfing and *gasp* commenting on other people's sites, meant that I was getting to bed after 1 most nights, then getting up at 6.30, surfing some more, and getting in to work late. Even though I was already in trouble.
When it comes to my little pleasures I have very little discipline (as many of you will know). So of course this turned into a vicious cycle. I was always in late, always tired, and as my job as an editor requires a certain, shall we say, attention to detail... well, it wasn't long til I was in major league issue-town.
About this time my anxiety and panic attacks came back with a vengeance, and I finally pushed myself to visit the doctor and start on what sexy!husband and I refer to as my 'brain pills'. Yum. Little white cruchy ovals full of serotonin producing-goodness. I still don't know why I waited so long.
Meanwhile my boss started performance counselling sessions in an effort to 'rehabilitate' me. I was nearly through when my sister was diagnosed with her brain tumour in june. I went literally to pieces for a week, which i took as sick leave (this was less than a 1/3 of what I had accrued). And according to my boss I'd 'lost my focus' once again. She sat me down and gave me a good talking to when I came back to work. She was actually really MEAN to me. She told me I had to separate my personal life and my work life and just get on with things.
I suppose some people might think that your 25 year old sister being diagnosed with cancer was an everyday emotional occurence that you could just block out and keep working, but I'm just not one of them.
Fuck this for a joke, I just lost half my entry. No seriously!
To be continued (cos there's no way I'm going to soend another half-hour rewriting what i just wrote ;)
posted by goldie
@ 09:35 PM
: ping (0)
: view »
Track Back Link:
Fuck that bitch. I'd probably have hired someone to punch her in the face. Twice. With Brass Knuckles. Let's see her work through that pain. Ugh. *Pats Goldie on the back* It's okay Goldelen, Holdie, when life starts kicking you in the gut, get up and take it out on some evil bastard at work. Extreme violence is the way to go. QW! in '04!
Oh man, screw them. I had a boss once who, when my mother had a tumor in her lung, lectured me on the reasons why I should take phone calls about her condition in a vacant office and close the door (I had no door, it was a cubicle farm) for my own privacy.
A week or two later, I was chastized for leaving my desk in the middle of the day to "talk on the phone on a personal call."
Odd coincidences, but still sucky nonetheless. Can't wait to see part 2.
Oh Goldie - I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry things have been so rough for you. Even more sorry about your sister and the cancer thing - how awful to be told everything is fine... but now it's not.
As for the job - start looking! Find somewhere else to work. This is not not not the place for you. They'll probably tell you next that you can't blog - period - because it's against their policy or some wonky nonsense. They'll try and find out if you're surfing from home or something. Geeze!!!
I'll be waiting for the rest... it feels like the other shoe is about to drop. *sigh* Hang in there - we're with you.
Not quite understanding how you could get in trouble for blogging about work when you didn't name any names. How did they get a hold of your domain URL?
Either way - - sorry to hear that you have been (are) going through all this . . when it rains, it pours down under!
*Big Hug* to you, goldie - keep your chin up, girl!
I am so so sorry about your sister and everything. I know we don't know the whole story yet, but I know how bad the cancer thing sucks.
I'm sorry to hear about your sister, Goldie, and that mean Boss!
I wish I lived near you and I was a girl so I could give your boss a hard Newgy to her head!
Hey girl.. you need me to take a trip out to Aussie? I'll go on an ass kicking spree.
I am sorry I haven't been to your blog. I didn't know your address chnaged and I have ben gong to your old one and wondering why you haven't been blogging...I hope I can catch up to the few moths i have missed. I'm sorry! :)
Part 2... in anticipation... baited breath... happy ending sought...
Hunger felt... somewhat thirsty... sanwich acquired... Sprite added... feeling better...
This is my first time here and I just want to say 2 things. First off I'm sorry about your sister. I know how hard things like that can be on framily and loved ones. 2nd tell your boss to go fuck herself. I'll do it for you if you want. She has no right to tell you how to feel. What would she do if she was in your position? She'd probably take all the time off she wanted and that would be ok. But it's not ok if you do it? whatever. Next time she tries to have a little 'chat' with you tell her you quit. you don't need that kind of stress added to what's already going on in your life.
I had no idea about what happened in your workplace. I'm really sorry to hear that. It's sad that they took away your Internet as if you were a child and they took away your video games. That really doesn't say much for them as employers, to be honest.
I'm just glad you're back! It's nice to have you around again. :)
I'm glad to have found your new site, but oh no.
I'm sending positive vibes in your direction for your sister.
Hugs to you and your sister. A bitchslap and a stranglehold for your boss. (I think my former boss may be related to yours....)
Welcome home sweetie! I missed you so! I am so sorry about your sister. ((hugs)) I really am glad you're back.
So, Moxie eh? I can't even wait. Who's doing you? Joelle? Julie? Kathy? Mel? I can't wait to see it!!!!
Wait. Grandma? Are you nuts? I do believe you are younger than me...
Welcome back! We're all still loyal fans!
First off, fuck your goddamn stupid cunt of a boss. What she said was braindead and completely uncompassionate. She shouldn't be allowed to breathe the same air as us decent people, and she sure as hell has no business being in a supervisory capacity. Retarded cow.
I am very sorry about your sister. Sending positive thoughts your way. (((hugs))
As for getting in trouble over your blog, well, that's bullshit, too. You didn't use any names or anything, so I fail to see how they could do anything (legally) beyond telling you to use your time more productively. Idiots.